The best jokes (14401 to 14415)

Beer Troubleshooting

Beer Troubleshooting ********************

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

Some Possible Computer Bumper Stickers

1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
2. <-------- The information went data way
3. The name is Baud...James Baud.
4. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
6. C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
9. E Pluribus Modem
10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
23. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
27. Hit any user to continue.
28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

Q: How can yo...

Q: How can you keep a five dollar bill from a Mexican?


A: Put it under a bar of soap.

My memory...

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

President Bill Clinton visits Pearly Gates

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on Earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

There once was a woman from Ee...

There once was a woman from Eeling,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She layed on her back,
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling!

A guy meets a childhood pal. &...

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."

Little Lalloo was eating break...

Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'

Gum is great!...

Gum is great! I chews to follow the mastical sciences, and worship Jawhovah. I attend Sunday masseter, biting my time for eternal Salivation.

Dear Pun Gents...

Dear Pun Gents, I am writing a news article on the story of the Pied Piper of Hamelin for both a tabloid and a broadsheet but I dont know what the two headlines should be, please could you help me with some clever puns? ~Greg, London, UK

At a divorce court a family of...

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

Fun With Words

* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
* "When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A stoner stumbles out of a party...

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home. One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says Call me an ambulance! The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, Youre an ambulance!

the Web brings people together...

the Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"

-- Rich Jeni

Answering Machine Message 76

French monologue in the background: Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".