The best jokes (14566 to 14580)

Don't criticize me when

Don't criticize me when I talk about breeding fruit. I'm just speaking fig iteratively.

If the Magi Were Women...

You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don’t you?
The three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.

 Scary Collection 44

A vampire joke
What happened at the vampires race?
It finished neck and neck!

A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite drink?
A bloody mary!

A ghost joke
Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?
It had a nervous breakdown!

A vampire joke
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
"Auld Fang Syne"!

A ghost joke
How do ghosts learn songs?
They read the sheet music!

A vampire joke
Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
He had fang decay!

A witch joke
What's the best way of seeing a witch?
On the television!

A couple of tourists were dini

A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.
"What year?" asked the waiter.
"Right now!" bellowed the tourist.

“Don't waste kindnes

“Don't waste kindness on a rotary engine - they never reciprocate.”

A couple of rednecks went on v

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind.
"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.
"What are you worried about"? the second replied. "It's a rental."

Anyone who believes in communi

Anyone who believes in communist ideology has sickle logical problems.

Ammosaurus

Ammosaurus always shoots first and asks questions later.

Did you hear about the teacher

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots...."
Her trial starts next month.

Get Your Ire Up

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.

"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"

"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."

The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked. The second decided to try.

"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"

"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."

The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked. The third man knew he had the solution.

"Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"

"Oh, no. But that's what y'r friends hae been trying to tell me."

Here are some observations abo

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel agent with 30 years experience. Should we be worried about some of the people running our country?
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... (click).
A Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"
I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude." After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I actually was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them
A Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted

 Hot Air Balloon

An Australian, an Asian and a New Zealander are in a Hot air balloon and had to chuck away something cuz of the weight. the australian chucks away his capone hat, the asian throws away a chicken wing and the New Zealand throws out the Asian and said "We have heaps of asians in New Zealand".

“Marie was curious ab

“Marie was curious about radium.”

Next mood swing: 6 minutes

Next mood swing: 6 minutes
I hate everybody, you're next.
And your point is.............?
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?
You have the right to remain silent so please use it!
If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.

The mother of a 17-year-old gi

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"