The best jokes (14551 to 14565)

A Nun? Drinking!?

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior."

Her voice dropped.

"It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

One year, at Duke, there were ...

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U. Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.

"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

A man was just waking up from ...

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

Yo Mamma so stupid

Yo mamma so stupid, she uses coupons at the 99 cent store.

One day the school principal w...

One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher about his behavior, when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway. The principal stops Johnny and asks him, why are you running? Little Johnny says; I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir. Who? ask the principal. Me and the kid chasing me; and off he went.

Fun Things To Do In An Elevato...

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

8. Meow occasionally.

9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Hilarious jokes-Carry a flashlight

Vaseline uses

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

A rapist, a gangster and a mur...

A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car...
Who is driving the car?
A police officer!

Cristela Alonzo: Lying on a Resume

You guys ever lied so much on a resume, youre actually shocked that they gave you the job? You lie so much you want to have a talk with the company to make sure theyre not messing with you. Like, Hey, pssst, come here. Are you sure about this? Look at me, look at my resume. Do I look like an astronaut?

Jared Logan: Tried to Compromise

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We just didnt have anything in common. But when that happens, you have to try to compromise. I tried to compromise with her. I remember one time I was like, Look, if you go with me to my Lord of the Rings fan fiction meet up group, Ill go with you to this ultrasound thing.

You might be a redneck if 48

You might be a redneck if...

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

On stag night, you take a real deer.

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

archery

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

He missed.

Another Mother-in-law joke

“The ophthalmologist ...

“The ophthalmologist was called to testify because he was the only eye witness.”