The best jokes (14551 to 14565)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14551 to 14565. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Thirsty
A very thirsty man goes into a bar.
As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
This guy was pulled over for r...
This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The same boss
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.Money gram
Once there was this guy from Texas who took a vacation to Los Angeles. While there, he met up with a hooker.He got down & dirty with her.
Afterwards, the hooker said: "$100 dollars."
The guy said: "No, here is $200."
Hooker responded: "You're so kind."
Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same hooker again and had sex again.
Hooker asked for $100, but the guy again says: "No, here's $200."
Hooker says: "You're so kind."
More days pass, and the guy met up with the hooker one last time to have sex.
Hooker says: "$100, please."
The guy slaps her and hands her $200.
Hooker says: "Man, you're so kind. Where are you from?"
Guy says: "I'm from Texas."
The hooker says: "I am from there too."
The guy says: "I know, your mom sent me to give you $600."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Types of milk
Joe asks his father, "Hey dad, can you tell me what are the types of milk available.
His father replied, "Hmmm...there is evaporated milk, malted milk, buttermilk, pasteurized milk, partly skimmed milk etc.....why do you wanna know?"
Joe replies, "It's just that I am drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many spigots to put on her."
Airplane cleaner
He opens the book and starts reading, "First press the green button on right to start the engine."
He does that and the engine starts. He turns to Page 2 and it reads, "Press brown button to start airplane moving on runway."
He does that and the airplane starts moving ahead and catches speed. He goes to Page 3 and it reads, "Press the red button to take off the airplane in the air."
He does that and the airplane is flying. He starts turning the pilot's joystick and the airplane begins circling, going up and down and Derrick is having the time of his life! He then decides to land the airplane before anyone finds out what he has been up to.
He turns to the next page and finds the following printed in bold:
"To land the plane successfully go to the nearby book store and buy Part 2 of Guide to fly an airplane for Dummies."
Fall-Down Drunk
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?A: She didn't know what number came first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
One wish...
A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up.
A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."
The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."
The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."
The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'
What A Large Crowd
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
