Best New JokesThe best jokes in the last four weeks. Top 25 jokes rated by site visitors. |
My neighbor. She’s single. S...
My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”
Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table...
Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know—I thought you were watching.”
Great short jokes for mid-week laugh
Sadly my obese parrot just died.
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really must wash some cups!
"999. Which emergency service do you require?"
"What time is the next train out of Victoria station?"
"Sir, that is not an emergency."
"It most certainly is, I'm tied to the tracks!"
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
A midget walks into a library and asked the librarian if there are any books about irony.
The librarian says yes it’s on the top shelf.
How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239. Just one more and it'll be too-farty.
My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character…
You should have seen the Luke on his face!
My wife was blaming me for ruining her birthday
that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.
My wife was mad at me because I only spent half a minute celebrating her birthday
In my defense, she told me it was her 32nd birthday
How can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds
She took me upstairs, got me to take all my clothes off and tied me to the bed..
And that’s why we aren’t allowed in IKEA anymore.
A man has three girlfriends but doesn't know which...
A man has three girlfriends but doesn't know which one to marry.So as a test, he gives each of them $5,000 to see how they spend them.
The first girlfriend gives herself a complete makeover. She got a new hairstyle, new makeup, and a whole new wardrobe. When asked why she did this, she said "I wanted to make myself beautiful for you because I love you so much."
The second girlfriend bought him a bunch of gifts, including a new set of golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen TV. When asked why she did this, she said "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third girlfriend took the money and invested it in the stock market. She doubled her investment, gave the $5k back to him and re-invested the rest. When asked why, she said "I'm investing this money for our future together because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each girlfriend spent the money, and after careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.
A family of three was heading to Kansas, and they got...
A family of three was heading to Kansas, and they got to the airport way early. The four-year-old son, super excited, kept wandering off, so his dad had to chase him down over and over.Finally, the dad got tired and said, “If you wander off again, I’ll check you in with the luggage!”
Of course, the kid wanders off again. So the dad picks him up and takes him to the gate agent. The agent says, “Uh, sir, you can’t check in your own child.”
The dad sighs and says, “So… you’re saying I’ll have to carry on my wayward son?”
Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection...
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion...
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please...
Bibles to Boats
A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?""$101,237.65.""$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?""First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles.""A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!""No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"-A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman...
A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy."Excuse me," the man said to the woman, "but I think it's astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much."
"I am surprised myself, " she replied. "He hated the book."
A woman opened her door to see two policeman standing there...
A woman opened her door to see two policeman standing there."Mrs Smith? I'm afraid that Inhave some bad news for you? Your husband was at work, at the brewery, and it seemed that he fell into one of the cats of beer and drowned."
Mrs Smith fell to her knees, clutching at her chest.
"Tell me, officers, did he suffer at all?"
"We don't think so, Ma'am. He got out five times so that he could pee."
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends...
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite.""OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex.
A man walks into a open Hollywood audition…
A man walks into a open Hollywood audition.He gets inside and begins to fill out his audition form, rehearse his monologue, and stand in line.
After a while he gets into the audition room and hands the casting director his audition form. He takes his spot on stage and is about to launch into his monologue when he hears rowdy laughing coming from the casting director.
He asks, "What's going on?"
Through tears of laughter, the casting director asks him "Is this your real name, Penis Car Lesbian??"
The man responds "yes I know it is a silly name, but please try to ignore that. My parents were drunk when they named me and just chose three silly words."
The casting director manages to stop laughing and tells the man "I'm sorry but you have to change your name if you want to make it big in Hollywood.
The man gets upset and storms out of the audition.
The casting director shrugs and calls out the next person.
10 years later the director recives a 100,000 dollar check along with a letter.
Puzzled over who would send him such a thing, he opens up the letter and reads it:
"Dear sir,
While you may not remember me I came to an audition 10 years ago.
There you told me that I would never make it big if I didn't change my name from Penis Car Lesbian.
After I left, I realized you were right and I did change my name.
However I was too ashamed to return back to you so I found other auditions.
But your advice really helped and I got a lot of big acting roles. As you were the first one to truly help me, I decided to send you a little check.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke"
A guy finds a genie who offers him one wish. Already rich...
A guy finds a genie who offers him one wish. Already rich and happy, he asks to always climax at the same time as his wife.A few weeks later, he’s back rubbing the lamp.
“Genie, I need to undo that wish.”
The genie asks, “Why? Did something go wrong?”
“No, it works fine. But picture this: I’m at the bar with my buddies, playing cards, having a beer... then boom—orgasm.”
An Englishman and a Dutchman are sitting in a pub...
An Englishman and a Dutchman are sitting in a pub.The Dutchman says to the Englishman, “Every time I see you in here you walk out with a different girl. What’s your secret?”
The Englishman replies, “It’s really easy. As soon as I walk into the pub, I casually toss my Rolls Royce keys onto the bar, and the gals practically throw themselves at me.”
The Dutchman says “Wow, you’ve got a Rolls Royce?”
The Englishman replies, “No, I’m just as poor as you. I bought this Rolls Royce key fob on Amazon for £10, and the ladies are none the wiser.”
So the Dutchman goes on Amazon and buys the exact same key fob. He then goes to various pubs across London, with no luck whatsoever. A few weeks later, he runs into the Englishman again. He tells the Englishman “Your key fob trick is bogus, I went to at least 20 pubs, no lady looked at me twice, please take this bad luck charm off my hands.”
The Englishman tells him, “Maybe it would work better if you took off your bicycle helmet first.”
A black guy goes into an electronics store
A black guy goes into an electronics store.He tells the salesman "I'm here to see your hi-fis. Maybe Panasonic, Yamaha, or Sharp."
The salesman says "Oh right let me guess - you're going to blast that rap music at full volume. Probably going to piss off your neighbors."
The black guy says "Yes exactly. I'm here for the stereo types."
Little Johnny and the Flies
Teacher: If there are seven flies and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left?
Little Johnny: Just the squashed one.
My 7-year-old asked me to take
My 7-year-old asked me to take him to McDonald's. I told him if he can spell it, I'll take him. He said, "Fuck it, take me to KFC."
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope...
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.
“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets. I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”
The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”
A farmer had 3 daughters that all had a date on the same night…
So he decided to sit on the porch with his shotgun and check each guy out to make sure they were suitable for his daughters. The first guy arrived and said, “hi there, my name is Eddy, I’m here to pick up your daughter Betty, I’m taking her out to get some spaghetti, is she ready?” The farmer looked him over and decided he was ok so he sent them on there way. The second guy showed up and said, “hello, my name is Joe, I’m here to pick up your daughter Flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The farmer decided he was ok and sent the two on there way. The third guy showed up and said, “hi, my name is Chuck….BOOM, the farmer shot him.Superman calls to Lois Lane...
Superman calls to Lois Lane, "Lois come in here a second! I want you to see something."Lois comes into the room and says, "What is it?"
Superman points across the room at their dog, whom he has dressed up with glasses and a tie.
Lois says, "... who the hell is that?"
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary...
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner."Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.
Definition of Math
Ever wonder what the definition of MATH is?
M... Mental
A... Abuse
T... To
H... Humans
