Best New Jokes

Sergeant Abuse

A sergeant gives a private a hard time. He says, "Private, I bet you are just waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave!"
The private replied, "No sir, when I get out of the army I am not going to stand in more long, long lines!"

Baseball heaven?

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."   

The Future of Technology

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.
“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

Statistics

The 50-50-90 rule:
If you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right...
There’s a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Getting Old

You know you're getting old when...
When your son's hair is turning gray.

Worth A Try

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks.
If you are diving and are approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible.
If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump.

Money Woes

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck...
But through hard work, time and perseverance...
I now live direct deposit to direct deposit!

Iron Man And Iron Woman

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

The Difference Between Outlaws and In-laws

Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

Typical HR

"I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day."
"That is cool! What did she say?"
She said, "We will get back to you soon."