Best New Jokes

Sally's Report Card

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Patience off of the Green

The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the emergency room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated by a doctor.
"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.
"No," replied the man. "It's my ball."

True Happiness

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you!"

Holiday Wedlock

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"

Beautiful Daughter

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"  

Ice Cream

What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

Bar Joke

A scotsman, an englishman and an irishman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this?

Some kind of a joke?"

Peanut Butter and Jelly Day Jokes

Happy National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day! Celebrate April 2, 2025 with some deliciously nutty jokes:

Why did the peanut butter break up with the jelly?
Because it felt smothered!

What’s a peanut butter and jelly sandwich’s favorite type of music?
Smooth jams.

Why did the PB&J go to therapy?
They had a lot of spread-out issues.

What did the bread say after the PB&J got together?
“You two are really my jam!”

Want more puns? Check out this hilarious list of peanut butter puns.

Why did the peanut butter apply for a job?
It wanted to spread its skills.

What do you call jelly that’s always in a rush?
Jam-packed!

Why don’t peanut butter and jelly ever get into arguments?
Because they always stick together.

Here’s another funny one: The Peanut Butter Rooster.

What’s a jelly’s favorite pickup line?
“Are you toast? ‘Cause I want to be on you.”

What did the grape jelly say to the peanut butter at the party?
“Let’s jam!”

Why did the PB&J sandwich go to school?
To become a little smarter and more well-bread!

🥕 Carrot Day Jokes – 10 Crunchy Laughs for April 4th!

April 4th is International Carrot Day, and we're celebrating the funniest root in the veggie patch! Whether you're a fan of puns or just here for the laughs, these carrot jokes will have you peeling with laughter.

Why was the programmer eating carrots?
So that they could C#!

How do carrots pay their bills?
With celery.

Check out some older carrot jokes 🥕

Why did the carrot go to therapy?
It had too many deep-rooted issues.

What did the carrot say during a job interview?
“I’m very well-rounded and great with stew-dents.”

How do you make gold soup?
Put 24 carrots in it! Why was the carrot a terrible musician?
Because it always lost its beat in the stew.

What did the baby carrot say after a long day?
"I'm totally steamed."

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
Get out of my face!

How do carrots stay fit?
They do carrot-te.