Calling Technical Support

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our

technicians are currently busy helping people who are even

less competent than you, so please hold for the next

available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at

between fifteen minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit

product identification number on to your telephone, followed

by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret

compartment inside your computer where, for security

purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to

prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11

3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your

original equipment manufacturer.

Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend

that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at

some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM

disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in

order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely

event that he ever gets to your call.

If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful

customer -- and threw away your original packing materials,

please call the company that sent you the computer and ask

them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles,

fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they

recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while

you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing

while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting

obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected

and blackballed from further communication with Technical

Support, not only from ours but that of every other

electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we

all talk you know)...

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order

to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to

know more about you and your equipment. Have you called

Technical Support before? If you have, please press the

numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.

If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using

the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am

confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."

Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make

arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the

technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will

be too senile to use it anyway. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all

of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that

to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may

now add at least another two hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to

the technician about your problem and risking the possibility

that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask

yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is

dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?

2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before

utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3.

Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I

consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on

the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek

cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing

for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central

processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,

please get off the line immediately so that our overworked

technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose

suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really

be so bored that you have to call technical support just to

have someone to speak to about geek stuff. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be

aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number

of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as

the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access

erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you

would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes!

Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to

lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may

jump you ahead of several other callers. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been

overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in

line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected

again to technical Support

1

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic

sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die

from a massive frustration attack combined with severe

dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so,

please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in

its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down

its internal battery.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of

Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from

our list of registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve

your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or

beneficiaries contact us should any further technical

problems arise.