Cyber Relationship Break Up Letter

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic

removal of

unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online

affair. This

termination takes effect immediately, but only because I

could not make

it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this

action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part,

competent,

your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the

romance out of it.

_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to

refer to me

has hurt my feelings.

_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance

of

punctuation.

_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you

were less

than honest:

· __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a

man.

· __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a

woman.

· __ You typed your own name at the end.

· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is

simply page 56

of a Jackie Collins novel.

· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you

are hiding

something from me.

· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS

test suggests

a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __

police record.

· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders

unless I wish

to face stalking charges.

· __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

· __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all

the time

you're spending on the computer.

· __ I have established a more personal relationship with

the Lord, and

I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you

can do to

ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are

closer than

you think.

· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me

leaves me

feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are

only 14

violates the terms of my parole.

· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you

misbegotten son of a

bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia],

that there is

nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my

attorney,

__ Sincerely,

__ Gleefully,

__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"

__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

__ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]