True Medical Stories

True Medical Stories (??)

A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her

baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes

out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes

jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that

there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's

in the wrong one.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her

stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female

patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.

"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife

that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to

the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal

fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual

acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart

and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read

the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless

read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He

couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and

discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was

standing there with both his eyes covered. I was

laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when

the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me.

This is only a one-seater!"

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having

trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the

doctor "The patch," he replied, "the nurse told me to put on

a new one every six hours and I've run out of places to put

it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what

he hoped he wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty

patches on

his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old

patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I

asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After a

look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about

twenty years . . . when my husband was still alive."

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's

your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for

the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste," the

patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the

woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly."