Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 02 July 2008
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 02 July 2008 |
A little boy walks up to the p...
A little boy walks up to the preacher after church one day and says, "Preacher, when I grow up and get a job, I am going to give you a lot of money."The preacher says, "Why do you want to do that?"
The boy replies, " Because my Daddy said that you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard."
A man and a woman are getting ...
A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks around, and sees a big bulge in the curtains, and a pair of feet sticking out underneath. He whips the curtains open, and says, "Who the hell are you?"
The man says, "I'm the moth inspector."
The husband says, "Moth inspector? Why are you naked?"
The man looks down and says, "Damn. I'm too late."
Any questions?
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
How do you talk to a hen?
How do you talk to a hen?
There was a guy walking ...
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thaught it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!"
The suprised man said, " OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge house on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie stood silent for a few moments then spoke: "Would you like two lanes or four?"
Why is a government worker lik...
Why is a government worker like a broken shotgun? It won't work and you can't fire it.Deep Thoughts 06
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.
Juicy Squirt
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
John Paul and Lizzy
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.
The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,
'I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.'
The Pope says, 'No way. You can't do that.'
The Queen says, 'Watch this.' So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going, 'Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.'
So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, 'I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.'
The Queen says, 'No way. It can't be done.'
So the Pope head butts her.
Two doctors were in a hospital...
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy."She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Signs of the times
In the front yard of a funeral home, 'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'On an electrician's truck, 'Let us remove your shorts.'
Outside a radiator repair shop, 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
On a maternity room door, 'Push, Push, Push.'
On a taxidermist's window, 'We really know our stuff.'
On a butcher's window, 'Let me meat your needs.'
On a fence, 'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'
On a muffler shop, 'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'
In a dry cleaner's emporium, 'Drop your pants here.'
On a desk in a reception room, 'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'
In a veterinarian's waiting room, 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a Beauty Shop, 'Dye now!'
In a restaurant window, 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'
In a cafeteria, 'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'
Tough choice
A wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looks at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”
