Jokes of the day for Sunday, 20 July 2008

A man appears before a judge o...

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers and then said, 'please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.'

'Because,' the man said, 'I live in a two-story house.'

The Judge replies, 'what kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?'

The man answers, 'Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.''

Horoscope humor...

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
ER, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned- out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

The train was very crowd...

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Teacher: What are the three mo...

Teacher: What are the three most commonly used words of students? Student: I don't know ... Teacher: Correct!

Touring South America

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"

Mexican bandit

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican

with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.

"Take my money, my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.

"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican.

"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.

Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. "Right, now

do it again" said the Mexican.

The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed

again.

"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."

With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort

and fell exhausted.

"Good" said the Mexican, "now you give my sister a ride to the

next village."

Close Enough For Government

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

Knock Knock Collection 194

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wilfred!
Wilfred who?
Wilfred like his present?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Willa!
Willa who?
Willa you marry me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
William!
William who?
William-ind your own business!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Willie!
Willie who?
Willie be home for dinner!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Willis!
Willis who?
Willis rain ever stop!

God gave men a penis and a brain

God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Robin Williams (1951-2014)

Picture: REX

Cough Syrup

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"  

I Get So Drunk That I Imagine Things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

Counting Her Own Eggs

What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.

Clarence and Rufus

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.

Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "RUFUS!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"CLARENCE!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough.

"Rufus!" she yells, one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it!"

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."

"And?" she asked, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He ain't never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!"

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thethick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."    

Demetri Martin: Clothing Sizes

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.