Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 July 2008

A blonde went into a world wid...

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: " I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead take it out....." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands... then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, she said...

"HELLO MOM... CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

Typical male...

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He feel silent, and she continued,

"You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions."

A company, feeling it is...

A company, feeling it is time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks: "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies: "I make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams: "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Surprisingly, the guy takes the cash with a smile, says: "Yes sir! Thank you, sir!" and leaves.

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

What is the most useful animal...

What is the most useful animal? Chicken -- because you can eat the chicken before it's born and then after it's dead.

Cat Jokes 09

Q: What does a lion brush his mane with?

A: A catacomb!


Q: What noise does a cat make going down the highway?

A: Miaooooooooooooooooooow!


Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?

A: Shredded tweet!


Q: Why do tomcats fight?

A: Because they like raising a stink!


Q: Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?

A: They are both ginger nuts!


Q: What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?

A: A catameringue!


Q: On what should you mount a statue of your cat?

A: A caterpillar!


Q: What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?

A: A Peking Tom!

Prayer in Schools

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public

schools."

The Living Statues

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

PRISON vs WORK

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to payfor it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock andopen all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no workrequired.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work andthen they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through barsfrom the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get outand go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.
When I finally left my last place of work, it was just likebeing released from prison, as I was free to do whateverI wanted to.

Why does Ariel wear seashells ... and few more new jokes

Daughter: "dad, why does Ariel wear seashells"
Dad: "because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big"

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That's ridiculous, because my dogs don't even own bikes.

In the past, your last name often reflected your profession.
Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.
So what the heck was a Dickinson?

Wife asked, "Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?"
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Birthday presents tomorrow?"

Had a look on a dating site. Possible match, similar interests, described herself as 5 ft 3 blue eyes, blonde hair…
Not sure I want to date someone with 3 blue eyes though!

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.

The Pickle

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, "What's your secret?"
The guy whispers, "All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants."
In a fluorish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants. But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror. Confused, he hurries over to the first guyand desperately asks, "Why are all the girls running away from me?"
The first guy looks up and replies, "The pickle's on the wrong side."

Polishing Apples

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Your mama so old

Your mama so old her first Christmas was the first Christmas.

A father and son are out shopp

A father and son are out shopping for Christmas presents for their family.

The son asks, "What present are my sister and I going to get?"

The dad answers, "I got you guys an iPad and iPod."

"Wow, thanks," the son replies, "What will you give mom?"

The dad says, "Your mom is getting an iRon."

Jessi Klein: Cosmo Magazine

What I love about Cosmo is it is this magazine that is pretending to be your best friend. But Cosmo hates you so much; Cosmo just wants to undermine you, and make you insecure. Like, two real stories from the cover of Cosmo recently, one of them was how to drive a man wild in under 60 seconds. Im just like, when would I ever need to do that? When would I ever be in that kind of a rush? Am I at a tollbooth?

Job interview

On a job interview, the manager handed me his laptop and said, "Sell this to me."
So, I took it, left the office, and headed back to my place.
Eventually, he phoned me and demanded, "Return my laptop immediately!"
I said, "$300, and it's yours!"