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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 29 July 2008

More Law...

More Laws of Work

1 Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

2 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you're going to do.

3 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

4 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

5 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

6 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

7 The last person that left will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

8 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

9 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they never mean themselves.

10 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.



#joke
Joke | Source: Jobs 1 - UK Job search joke of the day
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

Where is God?


A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (4)

SLIDESHOW #129 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A man suffered a serious heart...

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services.

He was asked if he had health insurance.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
#joke
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

Cutting class

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

#joke
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (6)

I had a ploughman's lunch toda...

I had a ploughman's lunch today.
He was furious.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Q: Why did the blonde ti...

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (4)

What is a man's idea of doing ...

What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can sweep underneath.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

School Collection 28


Father: How were the exam questions?

Son: Easy

Father: Then why look so unhappy?

Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!



Where was the Magna Carta signed?

At the bottom!


What are you going to be when you get out of school?

An old man!


What did you learn in school today?

Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!



I'm learning ancient history?

So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!





#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

Halloween

How do hillbillies celebrate Halloween?

They pump kin.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #short #halloween
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (7)

POOF

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.40/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (5)

Married Women Vs Single Women

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Two Eagles, an old Indian chie...

Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two US government officials sent to interview him.
One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute...
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Boy Scout on the plane

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."

#joke #doctor #lawyer
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (30)

A fifteen year-old boy came ho...

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs..."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh no!" moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Father/Son

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tom
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.74/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (61)

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