Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 29 July 2008

More Law...

More Laws of Work

1 Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

2 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you're going to do.

3 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

4 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

5 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

6 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

7 The last person that left will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

8 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

9 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they never mean themselves.

10 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Where is God?

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"

A man suffered a serious heart...

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services.

He was asked if he had health insurance.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Cutting class

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

I had a ploughman's lunch toda...

I had a ploughman's lunch today.

Q: Why did the blonde ti...

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

What is a man's idea of doing ...

What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can sweep underneath.

School Collection 28

Father: How were the exam questions?

Son: Easy

Father: Then why look so unhappy?

Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!



Where was the Magna Carta signed?

At the bottom!


What are you going to be when you get out of school?

An old man!


What did you learn in school today?

Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!



I'm learning ancient history?

So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

Halloween

How do hillbillies celebrate Halloween?

They pump kin.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

POOF

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

Are you kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A burglar broke into a house o...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a be*l he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Perform Under Pressure

I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody!"

Harry under stress

Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy's urging.
After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis: Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
"How should I go about it?" asked Harry.
"OK," said the doctor, "I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day..."

Math teacher

I've decided to become a math teacher, but I'm only going to teach subtraction.

I just want to make a difference.

Found on reddit, authorYoureAMuenster

Image by InstagramFOTOGRAFIN from Pixabay