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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Biblical Babysitter


Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

Farmer Brown & his Pigs

Farmer Brown buys twelve pigs at an auction, only to discover that they are all female. He immediately calls Farmer Jones to ask if he can bring them over to mate with his male pigs. "Sure", says Farmer Jones.

Farmer Brown loads his twelve pigs into the truck. When they get to the Jones farm, the pigs jump out and spend the day mating with the males. Before he leaves, Farmer Brown says, "By the way, I've never had pigs before. How will I know if they're pregnant?"

"Well," says Farmer Jones, "look for signs of unusual behavior. That's usually how you know."

The next morning, Farmer Brown looks out his window and sees nothing unusual. So he loads the pigs up and brings them to the Jones' farm again. The following morning, the pigs are still behaving normally, so, once again, he takes them to the Jones' farm. The next morning, he feels too discouraged to look out the window. "Honey," he says to his wife, "would you mind telling me if our pigs are doing anything unusual?"

Well, she says, "eleven of them are in the back of the truck and the twelfth one's blowing the horn."

#joke #animal #pig #food #honey
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 6.75/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (8)

An old man lived alone in New ...

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament...

"Oye Francisco, I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my chili garden this year. I just getting too old to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me. Siempre, tu poppy "

A few days later he received a letter from his son...

"Dear Poppy, Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Francisco"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son...

"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the chili now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Francisco"
#joke #policeman #animal #bat
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 7.64/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (11)

Whats My Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (4)

Two fish are in a tank, one sa...

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Max Thomas, Abbeyhill

If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburgh news.com


The full article contains 45 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Every day a 4th grade bo...

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house.

One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. The mother runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah!" The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike.

Now, the little boy gets mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says, "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as the boy passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" The little girl pulls up her dress and says... "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

#joke #sport #football
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Girl's Mother: So, you want to...

Girl's Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law? Suitor: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Asteroid Hits The Earth


Top Advantages of An Asteroid Really Hitting Earth


  1. For starters, you'd be able to surf in South Dakota.

  2. Wouldn't have to hear that garbage Aerosmith song anymore.

  3. The one dinosaur on the planet (here's a clue..he's purple) would be extinct.

  4. We'd miss out on Tony Danza's or Jenny McCarthy's next sitcom.

  5. Puts a major damper on that Molly Hatchet/Judas Priest reunion tour.

  6. Pretty good chance that the Gorditas Dog from the Taco Bell commercials wouldn't survive.

  7. There'd be no more movies on the topic, that's for sure.






#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (8)

Bill Clinton's haircut

Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"

Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.

Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"

Christophe replied, "That makes us even."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

Get it Straight

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (9)

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

#joke #food #honey
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.97/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (37)

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the crocodile asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"

The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The crocodile has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala.

When they get back to the tree, the crocodile looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."

The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

#joke #animal #crocodile #lizard #koala
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

It was Christmas Eve. A woman...

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
#joke #christmas #newyear
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (15)

A truck driver was driving alo...

A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign thatread, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before he could stop, the bridge isright ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his hands on hiships, and says, "Got stuck - huh?"
"No," the truck driver says, "I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Zach Galifianakis: Waking Up With an Erection

Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize youre just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (37)

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