Jokes of the day for Saturday, 13 September 2008
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 13 September 2008|
Christian Bulletin Bloopers
World's Smartest Woman World's Smartest Woman
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Bill Clinton said, "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., " so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die," so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world," so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute."
The boy scout said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack."
Two men were hunting deer when...Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.
The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.
The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.
He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."
Fishing on the Ark
A Sunday School teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he with just two worms?"
A group of soldiers who had ju...A group of soldiers who had just joined the Army were in their new barracks when the duty officer came in to see them.
"Naw," the lad replied. "Ah come fae Bo'ness."
An old lady is very upse...
An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"
You know you're too fat ... if...You know you're too fat ... if you step on a talking scale and it says to you, "One at a time, please."
Answering Machine Message 197
This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.
English loversAn elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,
'Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!' and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,
'Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
'Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gaston's field making love.'
The police chief smiled and said;
'Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay.'
'Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!'
Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.
'Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex.'
To which Pierre replied,
'Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural.'
Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply,
'Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!'
Hearing this Pierre shouted,
'Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said,
'Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.'
Signs Of Christmas
Toy ... Signs Of Christmas
Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”
Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”
At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”
A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.
A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”
Differe...Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
All CategoriesQ: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
HANNIBAL BURESS - dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches
There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches.
Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache.
But don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache.
A German tourist walks into a...A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders abeer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does servebeer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him thejab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."