Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 27 January 2009
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 27 January 2009 |
A college business professor c...
A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil."And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.
"I don't know," the student said.
"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
Reporters interviewing a 104-y...
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure
Pastimes
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.Repaying a Debt
>The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her.
She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her.
"No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later."
She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.
"Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded.
"Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!"
"Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives."
"Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"
The Rabbi in The confession...
The Rabbi in The confession boothA priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession.
"I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know.
A woman came into the booth and said, Bless me Father for I have sinned.
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."
Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."
Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?"
The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."
So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
The woman said, "Twice."
Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."
A man walks into a clock shop ...
A man walks into a clock shop one day and pulls his cock out and slaps it down on the counter.The confused sales woman says to the man that they only fix clocks in the shop.
The man then calmly says 'I know. That's why I want you to put two hands on this'.
Answering Machine Message 46
Theme music from James Bond: Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!
Who did it?
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!"
How To Speak Southern
How To Speak SouthernHah Tu Spek Suthun)
=======================
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
Newspaper Clippings
Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbors dog
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
What do you get when two peas ...
What do you get when two peas fight?...
You Fool
A pastor was opening his mail one morning and one envelope had only a single sheet of paper with a single word printed on it: “FOOL!” The following Sunday the priest announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their name. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.”
