Jokes of the day for Monday, 09 February 2009

Two children ordered their mot...

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Yo momma like an ice cream con...

Yo momma like an ice cream cone -- everyone gets a lick.

Park Bench

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench on North Avenue. After a while, one said, "By the way, George, how's your wife?"

Hunting Season

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”
One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”

A woman goes into a sporting g...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

A priest, a doctor, and a prof...

A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge.

(Silence)

PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?

Knock Knock Collection 143

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Othello!
Othello who?
Othello you thalked to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Otis!
Otis who?
Otis a sin to tell a lie!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know you're telling the truth?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oewn!
Owen who?
Owen you open this door, I'm going to give you such a roasting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owl!
Owl who?
Owl Aboard!

And Who Are These For?

A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?
Nope, says the boy, not for my mom.
The cashier responds, Well, then they must be for your sister then?
Nope, says the boy, not for my sister, neither.
The cashier is now curious, Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?
The nine-year-old says, Theyre for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother cant do either of those things.

Head hog....

One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this, the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the church building fund . . ."

To this, the secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

What did the traffic light say...

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Did you hear about the dude wh...

Did you hear about the dude who needed gas money? He sold his car for it.

Space For Rent

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent

had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

Partner Takes Vacation

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation:
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Pierced Nipple

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note…

I suck at darts.