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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 25 April 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 25 April 2009

Q: How many b...

Q: How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but 10 of his friends are there to tell him how good he looks doing it.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: - The World Famous Daily Joke!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Three Men

The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat),we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'
#joke #short #animal #chicken
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Dear Dogs and Cats,

Dear Dogs and Cats,
Animal Humor. Cat and dog jokes.

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (2)

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the t...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (7)

Bloopers from Sunday School Students

  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

  • Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
    • Currently 5.38/10

    Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

    A sales rep. who was on busine...

    A sales rep. who was on business in New York City bought a lottery ticket. Unbelievably, before he was to return home, he learned that his numbers were drawn and that he had won $50 million dollars. Excitedly, he phoned his wife and said, "Honey, I just won $50 million dollars in the New York Lottery!! Start packing your bags!!"

    The wife was equally excited and began to scream and yell. "What kind of clothes should I pack? Summer clothes, or winter clothes?"

    "It really doesn't matter." the husband replied. "Just be gone by the time I get home!"

    #joke #food #honey
    Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
    • Currently 5.33/10

    Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

    A traveler wandering on an isl...

    A traveler wandering on an island inhabited by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains sorted out according to source.

    The sign in the shop read:
    Artists' Brains $9/lb
    Philosophers' Brains $12/lb
    Scientists' Brains $15/lb
    Blondes' Brains $100/lb

    Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those beekeepers' brains are expensive - they must be very powerful!"

    The butcher replied, "Not really. They're expensive because it takes so many Blondes to get one pound of brains!!"
    #joke #blonde
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
    • Currently 4.67/10

    Rating: 4.7/10 (9)

    Angry diner: Waiter! Why is th...

    Angry diner: Waiter! Why is there a dead fly in my soup? Waiter: Well, the hot water usually kills them, sir.
    #joke #short #food #soup
    Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    Answering Machine Message 137

    Hi, you've reached Meredith's room. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but my waveform has temporarily collapsed, so leave a message, and I'll call you when I've pulled myself together.

    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    The watch....

    Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

    Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

    "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

    Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.

    He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

    The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

    "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

    "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

    "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

    "No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

    "I'll give you $1000 for it!"

    "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

    "I'll give you $5000 for it!"

    "But it's just not...."

    "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

    "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

    Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
    • Currently 3.60/10

    Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

    What Not to Say to a Policeman

    -- I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.
    -- Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.
    -- Wow, you mustve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
    -- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
    -- Youre not gonna check the trunk, are you?
    -- You look just like my girlfriends deadbeat ex-husband.
    -- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?
    -- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and its miles ahead of me.
    -- If you have to ask if Ive been drinking, Im not going to tell you, dude.
    -- It wasnt my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
    -- Thats a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
    -- If Id known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
    Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

    Did you hear about the man who...

    Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
    He's all right now.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: - Joke of the day
    • Currently 3.00/10

    Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

    Blondes Never Have Ice

    Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?

    A: They forgot the recipe.

    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 July 2008
    • Currently 5.49/10

    Rating: 5.5/10 (35)

    Just Like Family

    Saw a sign at a store that said, "We treat you like family."
    I'm not going in there.

    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
    • Currently 9.55/10

    Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

    What do I look like?

    A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking in the upstairs bathroom. Could you fix it?"
    The husband says: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
    A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
    He says: "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"
    Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says: "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
    He says: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
    The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
    "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
    "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
    The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
    "Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

    "What do I look like?" she says. "Betty Crocker?"

    #joke #food #cake #honey
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
    • Currently 6.44/10

    Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

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