Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Q: What is an...

Q: What is an Australian kiss like?


A: It's just like a French kiss, but down under.

The basketball coach stormed i...

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

Two elderly gentlemen from a r...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Jack,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats aroundhim. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

A Pious Old Man

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

A man in a hot air balloon rea...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Diner: You're not fit to serve...

Diner: You're not fit to serve a pig! Waiter: I'm doing my best, sir.

Handling Teens

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.

Bird it Through the Grapevine

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet? He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire....

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

Overweight Blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.

She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

What did the gangster's son sa...

What did the gangster's son say to his father when he failed an exam? "Dad, they questioned me for three hours but I told them nothing."

A nurse and a doctor met at a ...

A nurse and a doctor met at a medical convention one day. Right away they hit it off quite well. As the day went on, they got to know each other better. They decided to go to lunch together. While they were waiting for lunch the Nurse excused herself to go to the ladies room to wash her hands. When she got back, they ate lunch and chatted some more. Then just before they left, she excused herself again to go wash her hands.

As the day went on, they decided that they would meet that night at his hotel room and get to know each other better. That night, when the Nurse first got there, she asked to use his wash room to wash her hands. Then she came out and they talked, kissed, petted and started getting really aroused. They finally moved their love making to the bedroom, but on the way there, the nurse stopped at the bathroom and washed her hands again. They had sex which the doctor found was very enjoyable. Afterwards, the nurse excused herself to wash her hands again.

When she came back to the bedroom, the doctor said, "I would bet any amount of money that you are a surgical nurse."

The nurse replied, "You are right. How did you know that?"

The doctor said, "It is obvious. You are constantly washing your hands."

The nurse said in reply, "And I would bet anything that you are an Anesthesiologist."

"Very good." replied the doctor. "How did you know that?"

The Nurse replied, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Fact or fiction?

Fact  or fiction (you make the  call):   

1.  Marriages  are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.     
2.  After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each  other, but, they still stay together.     
3.  Married  life is very frustrating.  In the first year  of marriage, the man speaks and the woman  listens.  In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they  both speak and the neighbours listen..     
4. When a  man opens the door of his car for his wife, you  canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.     
5.  Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which  one.     
6.  Before  marriage, a man will lie awake all night  thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.     
7.  Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.       
8.  They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before  marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.     
9.  A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the  husband asks for sex she objects!       
10.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.       
11.  There  are two  four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and  “stop”,  unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).
12.  Marriage  is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s  Degree.
13.  In  marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her  husband.
14.  Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15.  There  are 3 stages of SEX in a married life: Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
16.  LOVE is a  long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.
17.  When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18.  Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

Six Quick Jokes to Kickstart Your Week with a Smile

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I already have like 50 wooden balls already.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's 8 years in a row now.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"
Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!

I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.