Jokes of the day for Saturday, 16 May 2009

What type of prize did you win?

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

A lawyer died and arrived at t...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?


A: Silicon Valley.

Getting Rid of the Bats

Three pastors were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!"

A nun and a huge man were stan...

A nun and a huge man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled, and said "T.G.I.F." He looked back at her and said "S.H.I.T." The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said "There was no need to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday." The man looked back at her and said, "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."

Once, a gay man went to heaven...

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him.

Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell. A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off. "Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Visiting Grandma...

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

Dane Cook: Hardwood Floors

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step youre like, Cheeeeater! Liar! Herpes, herpes, herpes!

What's brown and sounds like a...

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Two young men from up in Minne...

Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

'Cash, check or charge?' I a...

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'

This an interactive joke, so h...

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy.
A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine, I need a seven-ten cap for my car." The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I've never heard of such a thing?"
The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don't think just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!" Perplexed,the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs.
Reader: Draw the number 710 in the middle of the paper and draw a circle around the whole number. Now turn the paper upside down.

A trip to the movies...

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. As he handed the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I went to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself this evening. We have sound now."

Insomnia

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.

"Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."