Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Q: Why did th...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?


A: Because Ronald McDonald was after his nuggets.

I Need Serious Advice...

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

A boy was crossing a road one ...

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look. I'm a grad student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Two lawyers were out hunting w...

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Animal football

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

What does a ghost eat for dinn...

What does a ghost eat for dinner?

Jokes About Senior Citizens

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they just change color
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselves
OLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legs
OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions
OLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friends
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their place
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroup
OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastor
OLD MP's never die, they just attain peerage
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose

Rodeo Sex

The following procedure describes the proper execution of the activity known as Rodeo Sex:

First you undress your wife (or favorite female friend) and put her down on all fours.

You then also undress and mount up from behind.

Next, with your left hand, you hold on to her left boob.

Your right hand is held waiving in the air.

At this time you lean forward and whisper in her ear "you know, your sister likes to do it this way too.." then you hold on as long as you can.

Meeting the Parents

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because hes a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms hed like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.
That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, I had no idea you were this religious.
The boy turns and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

The Buddhist Computer Addict

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

Operating Room

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."  

Combat for Dummies

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.

'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.' --U.S. Marine Corps
'Aim towards the enemy.' --Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' --Infantry Journal
'A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.' --Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' --U.S. Air Force manual
'Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.' --Infantry Journal
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.' --USAF Ammo Troop
'Tracers work both ways.' --U.S. Army Ordnance
'Five-second fuses only last three seconds.' --Infantry Journal
'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.' --Infantry Journal
'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.' --Unknown
'Any ship can be a minesweeper....once.' --Anon
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' --USAF Ammo Troop
'Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.' --Unknown Marine Recruit
'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.' --Infantry Journal
'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.' --David Hackworth

Stopped By The Police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."