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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 23 May 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 23 May 2009

The preacher buys a parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

#joke
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (10)

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #37 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A lion woke up one morning ...

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"

#joke
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (6)

Second Opinion

This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid air. After an hour, he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was ...

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.

He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

Was it the nuns that did it? the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."

Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring? "No."

The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?

"No," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!

#joke
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (7)

A priest and a taxi driver bot...

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'
#joke
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those new sports cars."

"She did," he replied, "but where the heck was I going to find a fake convertible?"

#joke #short #christmas
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (8)

Happy Butt

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, Happy Butt.
The teacher says, I dont think thats your name. You need to go to the principals office and get this straightened out.
The girl goes to the principals office and he asks, Whats your name? The little girl says, Happy Butt.
The principal calls the girls mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.
The girl exclaims, Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- whats the difference?
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.25/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (4)

A Little Gas

While walking in the convent a priest passed one of the nuns and noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight, are we Sister Angela?" he asked. "No, Father," Sister Angela said, "It's just a little gas."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

What has one foot and ...

What has one foot and four legs?
A bed
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.23/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (43)

Answering Machine Message 49


In Joe Friday voice: This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.





#joke #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 September 2008
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

A man went to his dentist beca...

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious - Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

People say that there is no di...

People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’. I say there is...
Marry the right person, and you’re COMPLETE.
Marry the wrong person, and you’re FINISHED.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

Few new short jokes for Friday

I just changed my computer login password to "Alcatraz" and now the "Esc"button won't work?

My wife left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.
Now I’m feeling cannelloni…

I love my job.
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows.
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd.

I am joining a secret society of electrical engineers. They just asked me to step into a large coil with a battery attached.
This is their current induction process.

Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair?
I made myself a sandwich earlier.

When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record. It was his vinyl request.

I went to the doctor because every time I opened my eyes, I vomited everywhere.
He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.

#joke #short #doctor #friday
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

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