Jokes of the day for Saturday, 30 May 2009

Q: What runs ...

Q: What runs around a field but never moves?
A: A fence

An American and a Japanese wer...

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When
the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
.... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of
'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am
I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON III: "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"

I Am Napoleon

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

An old couple is on a walk, wh...

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

Buy your grade...

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

Business One-liners 44

The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.

Vegetarian - Defined

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter

"Doctor, one day I think I'm a...

"Doctor, one day I think I'm a wigwam, another day a tepee."

My kids love going to the...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Why do men like blonde jokes??...

Why do men like blonde jokes??LOCKQUOTE> Because they can understand them.

Knock Knock Collection 187

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vivaldi!
Vivaldi who?
Vivaldi books, there's nothing to read!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vlad!
Vlad who?
Vlad to meet you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Voodoo!
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Waddle!
Waddle who?
Waddle you give me if I go away!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wade!
Wade who?
Wade till next time!

The passengers were leaving th...

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.
"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."
"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know something ... this is yesterday's flight."

Expensive Barbie!

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Two men were talking...

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Few more Halloween jokes

Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation?
The Dead Sea!

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet bel