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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Pea Soup vs. Roast Beef

Q: Whats the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
#joke #short #food #soup #beef
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.90/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (10)

Doctor my son swallowed my pen...

Doctor my son swallowed my pen, what do I do?
Use a pencil until I get there.
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Little Boy on the Bus

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Warning: Very Bad Pun Inside

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.
Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (6)

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and ...

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great golden throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (8)

Tourists...

A group of American tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Answering Machine Message 53


This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it.

#joke #food #dinner
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Software Engineers D

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers.

However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being, well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

THREE tortoises, Jim, Ray and ...

THREE tortoises, Jim, Ray and Geoff, go for a picnic ten miles from home. It takes ten days to get there, and they find they've forgotten the bottle opener. Jim and Ray ask Geoff to fetch it. "No way!" says Geoff. "When I go you'll eat my sandwiches."
They promise not to, so off Geoff goes.
Ten days pass, and he's not back. 20 days pass, and he's stll not back . . . Jim and Ray are starving, but still don't eat the sandwiches . . .
25 days pass and Ray says: "We'll starve if we dont eat!" So they start to eat the sandwiches.
Geoff jumps out from behind a rock and shouts: "I knew it, you liars! I'm not going now!"
#joke
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (7)

There was once a man who lived...

There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office. The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestered the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc. After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 February 2009
  • Currently 6.26/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (31)

A fellow is looking for someth...

A fellow is looking for something in his wife's jewelry box. He finds an envelope containing 3 kernels of corn and $15. Curious, he calls to his wife, "Honey, what are these kernels of corn doing in this envelope in your jewelry box?." His wife replies, "Well, Dear, I haven't always been faithful to you. To remind me of the commitment I made when we said our marriage vows, I put a kernel of corn in that envelope every time I've been unfaithful." The husband finds his wife's efforts at staying faithful touching and says he forgives her. But what about the fifteen dollars?, he asks. "Well," she explains, "when corn gets to five dollars a bushel, I sell it!."
#joke #food #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 June 2008
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Truly amazing st...

Truly amazing stuff!

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever.

Dormitory:   Dirty Room

Evangelist:   Evil's Agent

Desperation:   A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code:   Here Come Dots

Slot Machines:   Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity:   Is No Amity

Mother-in-law:   Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms:   Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness:   Genuine Class

Semolina:   Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries:   Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point:   I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes:   That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two:   Twelve plus one

Contradiction:   Accord not in it

#joke #food #meal
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 August 2008
  • Currently 5.93/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (28)

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?

A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?

A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A: She missed.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?

A: Data transfer.

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 August 2008
  • Currently 4.73/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (11)

...

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 August 2008
  • Currently 3.27/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (11)

New Mexico Crazy Law


  • State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.

    Carrizozo


  • It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.


    Las Cruces


  • You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street.





    #joke #short
  • Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 August 2008
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (8)

    Two aliens landed in the...

    Two aliens landed in the Little Desert near an abandoned petrol station.

    They approached the petrol pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".

    The petrol pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the petrol pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way?

    Take us to your leader or I will fire."

    The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

    There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 metres into the desert where they landed in a heap.

    When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"

    The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don't screw around with him."

    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 August 2008
    • Currently 3.75/10

    Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

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