Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 August 2009

The Italian Secret For a Long Marriage

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them and He'll clean them."

Teacher: Why do we sometimes c...

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
Peter: Because they had so many knights.

An atheist was walking through...

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking beside a river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw an 8-foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing rapidly.

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run even faster.

But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, "You Deny My Existence For All These Years, Teach Others That I Do Not Exist; And Even Credit Creation To Some Cosmic Accident. Do You Expect Me To Help You Out Of This Predicament? Am I To Count You As A Believer???"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very Well," said The Voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive"

Golfing with ...

Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water. To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green. The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole...

Moses turns to Jesus and says "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."

Seen on the door of a music sh...

Seen on the door of a music shop: "Gone Chopin with my Liszt. Bach at 2pm. Offenbach sooner."

Answering Machine Message 232

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

Big Ben Blonde

Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve food here.

A woman calls a nother women a...

A woman calls a nother women and asks what the dress code is. I the women on the on the other side of the phone replies very confidential!

The difference between theo...

The difference between theory and experiment

A guy was walking along the street one night, when he came upon a man--a theoretical physicist--on his hands and knees under a street light, searching the street. The fellow asked him what he was looking for, and the theoretician replied, I'm looking for my car keys. Being a helpful sort, the fellow started searching, too.

After a time he asked, "Are you sure you lost them here?"

"Of course not" replied the theoretician. "But at least there's light here."

Quiet in church...

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Really g...

Really good ways to loose your job:

Grow a cannabis plant on your desk.

Bring a sleeping bag to work for those little afternoon naps.

Start a mexican wave every time someone leaves their desk.

Hide kippers under your boss's desk.

Dirty protest the toilet walls with a bisto solution.

Call the boss to your desk and tell him his work isnÂ’t up to scratch.

An elderly couple was driving ...

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

Ma'am, did you know you were speeding? the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, What did he say?

He said you were speeding! the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

I see you are from Arkansas, the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

Religious Nuts

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Olympic Glory

Ou...

Olympic Glory

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the Australian for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the Australian wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Australian and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the Australian weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the Australian wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"