Jokes of the day for Thursday, 07 January 2010

Battle of the sexes - The female perspective

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1) In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing
like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be
a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is screwing!"
and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.
2) I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to
take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your
football teams lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation
incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
3) Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell
them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.
4) And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
5) After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not
expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I
let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
6) I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
7) In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position
you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie
there, grinning.
8) I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform
you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll
invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to
stay.
9) After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And
if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men".
10) I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and
remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will
only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of
course.
Signed:____________________________________
Date:________________

After 30 years of wondering wh...

After 30 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were, son," his mother said as tears came to her eyes, "but it didn't work out, and they brought you back."

Playing Sports in Heaven #Humor #Joke

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

Pimple poppers, cease and r...

Pimple poppers, cease and de-cyst!

They say that married men live...

They say that married men live longest. It's ironic, since they're the ones most willing to die.

Traffic lights camera
A...

Traffic lights camera
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was under the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.
Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going at snail's pace, he passed the camera.
AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.
Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?

A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”

Maw is outside hangin up the l...

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole." Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!" Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole." Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

The Hippie and the Spice Rack

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues. So what was he doing then? asks the physician. Acid? Cannabis? Sort of, replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff. And what was in that? asks the doctor. Um, I kind of raided my girlfriends spice rack. says the hippie. There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika. Well, that explains it, the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. He is in a Korma.

Boy Scouts

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend,

"We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."

I Want To Lose Some Weight

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

Olympic condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"They're in three colours," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

What sort of television progra...

What sort of television programmes do ducks like?
Duckumentaries

Max and Ernie are playing racq...

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt.

"My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."