Jokes of the day for Sunday, 14 March 2010

Put your money where your mouth is....

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Confucius Say ...

Confucius say, "When you are angry at neighbor, walk a mile in his shoes. Then you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes!"

Try to grow chickens #joke #humor

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Drinking Japanese beer makes m...

Drinking Japanese beer makes me Sapporific.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? 
Bec...

Why is 6 afraid of 7? 
Because 7,8,9.

There was a loser who couldn't...

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

Confucius Says:

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there..
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Absolutely naked woman enters ...

Absolutely naked woman enters the pub. Barman looks at her very attentively.
Woman: Hey, what's up? Haven't you ever seen naked woman?

Barman: Well, yes I have... I'm only interested - where will you take your cash from?

An Insurance Company

Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

Thou Shalt Not...

One day there was a preacher that was expressing to his

deacons how upset he was that his brand new bike had been

stolen.

The last place that he could remember leaving it was outside

the church. So he figured someone at the church had to have

stolen it.

One of his deacons came up with the idea of preaching a

sermon on the 10 Commandments, in hope that the bike would be

returned out of guilt.

Of course,the preacher agreed.

That Sunday morning, he began to get into his sermon and

started the 10 Commandments.

1.Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

2.Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image....

and so on he went until he came to thou shalt not commit

adultery and the preacher stopped preaching and ended his

sermon.

After church the deacons asked the preacher why he stopped

half way through the sermon and he replied that he remembered

where his bike was.

Rob Riggle: Now That Obama Is President

Now that he is our president, I think its time we as a nation just took a deep breath and collectively just said out loud, O.J. killed those people. It feels good.

Why did the blonde tip-toe ...

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet.....

so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

A blonde was driving down the ...

A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.
The tree is still nfront of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.
When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her. The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.

Wading across the river...

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

A boy in Australia was raised ...

A boy in Australia was raised in the outback by his father. He'd just turned 18 and had yet to ever see a woman in his life. His father decided that it was time that his boy went to the big city to meet some women.

The two got into the city and the boy was dumbfounded by the plethora of women. His father told him to go up to their hotel room and he would have his "birthday present" sent up. The boy was waiting in the room when the prostitute made her entrance.

She started to undress and the boy suddenly realized what had been happening to his body in the last five years. So, he went over and opened the window and started to throw things outside. I mean everything. He started with the lamp, then threw out the bed sheets, then the desk, then the pillows, then the mattress, and then the TV. He was starting to move the bed frame over to the window when the prostitute asks what he's doing.

"If this is anything like it is with the kangaroos, then we're gonna need a lot of room."

The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.
15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.
20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

"I just finished my portrait o...

"I just finished my portrait of you. It's a good likeness, don't you think?" "Well ... it probably looks better from a distance." "There, I told you it looked like you!"