Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 May 2010

For unemployed physicists, the...

For unemployed physicists, the Large Hadron Collider is a make-quark project.

Tim asked Bob “What happened t...

Tim asked Bob “What happened to your uncle’s boat?”
“Ever notice that big rock at the entrance to the Golden Gate?” said Bob.
“Yes, I have” replied Tim.
“Well, he didn’t” said Bob.

My girlfriend and I had been d...

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Couples

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"

She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."

They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference."

An explorer walked into a clea...

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"

Knock Knock Collection 139

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oliver!
Oliver who?
Oliver troubles are over!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olivia!
Olivia who?
Olivia but I lost the key!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olivier!
Olivier who?
Olivier but I've lost my key!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ollie!
Ollie who?
Ollie time you say that, I wish you would cut it out!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oman!
Oman who?
Oman, you are cute!

magic mirror

there was a blonde, a brunete,and a red head. they all walked into a bar for a drink.the bar tender said,''i have a magical mirror any thing you think you are.you tell the mirror and if its true you will become it even more of what you wished for.but if not the mirror will suck you up.'' so the brunet goes in and said ''i think im the prettyest girl in the world.''with that the mirror said ''you are.'' so she became prettyer than everyone in the world.then the red head went in and said ''i think im the richest girl in the world.'' the mirror said'' you look very rich you now are the richest girl in the world.''the blonde went in and said ''i think''and with that the mirror gobbeld her up.the two girls left said ''why did the mirror swollow her up?''the man said'' because she said that she thought and thats a lie.''

Dan Cummins: Pizza Sale

I saw a grown man once riding one of those weird standup scooters down the side of the road -- you have to tilt to make it move forward, I think its called a Segway or a Douchebag Way -- wearing a toga and holding a sign for a pizza sale. My first thought was, Congrats, youve hit rock bottom. But my second thought was, If you took away just the sign, then that guy would rule.

Religious battle golf #joke #humor

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

A married couple were asleep w...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, thewife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment andsaid, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, someyoung woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

An elderly couple had dinner a...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went
out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend
it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we
went to last night?'

A Jewish Landing

As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off.""To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah."
"To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."

Molested

A woman rushes into a police station and cries, “Help, help! I’ve been molested by a virgin!”

Calming the woman down, an officer asks, “How do you know it was a virgin?”

The woman gasps, “Because I had to help him.”

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Cinderella...

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

Standing in front of a shredde...

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
shredder machine. "I just need one copy."
LESSON II: "NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING"

A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 120, 140.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.