Jokes of the day for Saturday, 28 August 2010

When I think about money, I st...

When I think about money, I start to drool like a dog. It's my Paylove-ian reflex.

SICK DAYS:
We will no long...

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

New Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go."

The teacher asked little Johnn...

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack."

Home in no time...

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

Knock Knock Collection 068

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frances!
Frances who?
Frances hello!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Francie!
Francie who?
Francie that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Francis!
Francis who?
Francis on the other side of the Channel!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frank!
Frank who?
Franks and beans!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Franz!
Franz who?
Franz, Romans, Countryman...!

Internet highway blues

The Information Highway Blues

My baby's got my 486.

My cellular phone's on the blink.

My fax's gone off to fax heaven,

And Pay For View stinks.

I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.

I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

I lost my account on the Internet.

My email's been revoked.

My modem's stuck at 300 baud,

And my terminal just blinks.

I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .

I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

My head spins from Virtual Reality.

I don't have Video on demand.

I can't read my Personal Newspaper,

And Shop At Home has kinks.

I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.

I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.

Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.

Jordan Rubin: Drunk Driving Test in Kentucky

They got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. I got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky. They dont have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie ODonnell. Theyre like, Is she attractive?

Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!

ATTORNEY: How was your first...

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

Things t...

Things to say to the boss to get you fired:

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."

"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."

"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are you?"

"Who me? I just wander from room to room."

"I pretend to work. You pretend to pay me."

"Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?"

"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"

"Earth is full, go home!"

"How about 'never'? Is 'never' good for you?"

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."

A duck walks into a drugstore ...

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the Pharmacist "gee, can you help me out. I need to buy some prophylactics but I forgot my wallet."

The Pharmacist replies "no problem, I'll just put them on your bill."

The Duck responds "gee Doc, that is not the way I planned to use them!"

The secret of my success...

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

Jealous Revenge

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

A three-year-old boy is ...

A three-year-old boy is in the bath examining his testicles, as three-year-old boys do.

With a serious look on his face he asks his mum,

"Mommy, are these my brains?"

With an equally serious and concerned look, his mother replies,

"No honey, but in time they will be"