Jokes of the day for Saturday, 15 January 2011

Elijah and the Steer

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times."Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

I stole a ladder. I know–...

I stole a ladder. I know–It was a rung thing to do.

A customer comes into a comput...

A customer comes into a computer store.“I’m looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.”
After a while the clerk replied, “have you tried Windows 2000?”

The Skeleton

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

One day, an old French sausage...

One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been in his family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not too bright only son and heir take over the running.

When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for you to take over the running my business, the business that has been in this family for generations. Come, I have some things to show you," and with that led his son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook his work.

The son looked around the room and found a number of strange machines, ranging from the very old to the very modern. His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain: "Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather. With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred sausages would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of Paris!"

And with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and continued with his explanation: "This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself. With this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of Provence!"

He next led his son to the third most modern machine: "This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself. With this machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep coming out the other end in their millions. These sausages are renowned worldwide."

He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your own machine."

The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard about what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family business. Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an idea. How about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an ass comes out the other."

His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy, such a machine already exists - it's your mother!"

Parrot wih an attitude...

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.

Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.

For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

Scary Collection 07

A witch joke
Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!

A cannibal joke
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun!

A ghost joke
What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
Transparents!

A vampire joke
Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team?
The ghoulscorer!

A witch joke
Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
There was no future in it!

A Halloween joke
Why was everyone tickled by the fried chicken at the Halloween party?
Because the feathers were still on the chicken!

A witch joke
What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell!

Wrong End Of The Bar

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar.

He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls "All you down there... You're all a bunch of queer cock suckers!"

He then gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar... "You're all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers."

All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says "Where the fuck you going?"

The guy says "I'm at the wrong end of the bar."

Bret Ernst: Blame America

Everybody likes to blame America for everything. What are we, only 233 years old? These other countries are thousands of years old. Not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times they screw up and ask us for help. Thats like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old for advice.

When his auto mechanic came in...

When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on
him.
"Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is."

A sister and brother are talki...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

Why do Morris dancers wear bel...

Why do Morris dancers wear bells?
So they can annoy blind people as well.

Bush Sues Santa

BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.

Bright Idea

On the first day of third grade, Little Johnny's teacher was conducting a game to break the ice for the new students.

The appointed student was to describe their father's profession in five words. The rest of the class were challenged to guess what the work was, and the correct answer allowed them to be next in line.

Much to her dismay, she noticed that she had bad Little Johnny again this year. Hoping to avoid him at all costs, she first started the game with Little Suzy. Little Suzy walked to the front of the class, drew back her shoulders, and proudly announced, "My Daddy cuts people open."

Hands shot up all over the room, and the teacher noticed that Little Johnny was the only one who didn't raise his hand. Fatty Sims guessed correctly that her father was a surgeon, and took his turn. He stood in the front of the room and said, "My Daddy locks people up."

Again hands shot up.......all except for Little Johnny. The game went on all afternoon, until all but Little Johnny had a turn. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, do you want the class to guess what your Daddy does?"

"Yeah" he said, and almost bounded up to the front of the room.

"My Daddy eats light bulbs."

The teacher was a bit taken aback by this and asked, "He eats light bulbs? Really? How do you know?"

"Well, Teach, every night I hear him tell Momma, "Cut out the light! I want to eat that thang!"

godfather

What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't understand.