Jokes of the day for Thursday, 17 February 2011

Do robots like to eat ...

Do robots like to eat Tech-mech food?

A biology teacher wished to de...

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

$200

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.

Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently...

Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently touch my finger tips

Soft sighs, silky hair
Longing for me to touch her there

Her begging eyes
Her whimpering cries

Urgent needs of one so sweet
Bring me quickly to my feet

The night is warm, there is no doubt
It's my turn to take the dog out

Silly Collection 18

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!

What is the noisiest game?
Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!

Where do flies go in winter?
To the glass foundry to be turned into bluebottles!

Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned!
"Tell me" said the tourist to the local yokel. "Will this path take me to the main road?"
"No sir!", replied the man. "You'll have to go by yourself!"
Why are you covered in bruises?
I started to walk through a revolving door and I changed my mind!

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

Pussy Money

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000

in the collection plate. This went on for weeks

until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached

her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that

you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"

he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week

my son sends me money, and what I don't need

I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how

much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do

for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does

he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in

Las Vegas and another in Reno."

My memory...

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

Demetri Martin: Exit Only

I saw a sign on this door; it said, Exit Only. So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.

One sunny day in 2009 an old m...

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White
House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been
sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing
guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with
President Bush.'
The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr.
Bush is no longer president and no longer resides
here.'
The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White
House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and
meet with President Bush.'
The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said
yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer presiden t and n o
longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House
and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying 'I
would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a
row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush.
I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer
the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
understand?'
The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I
understand. I just love hearing it.'
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
'See you tomorrow.'

It's wise to remember how easi...

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology canbe misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filledstreets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on abusiness trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife aquicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he hadwritten her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in frommemory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directedinstead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passedaway only the day before. When the grieving widow checked here-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercingscream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this noteon the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrivaltomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

Moses on His Walkie Talkie

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Whenever John wanted to have s...

Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".

Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"

John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!

Dave: I got this great new hea...

Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: Twelve-thirty

Wealthy Investors

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Police Dog

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"