Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Q: I heard th...

Q: I heard that french horn players make for good kissers...
A: ...the problem is where they put their right hand.

Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

Dave: I got this great new hea...

Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: Twelve-thirty

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!

New Exercises for Older People...

New Exercises for Older People

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Wealthy Investors

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Police Dog

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

What do you call a Spaniard wh...

What do you call a Spaniard who loses his car?

Beggar: Can you spare a hundre...

Beggar: Can you spare a hundred so I can buy a loaf of bread? Passerby: Bread doesn't cost a hundred! Beggar: I know, I'm expecting some company.

Big Chief

A young reporter is out on her first assignment, a full piece story on the local Indian reservation and it's tribe. The first day the reporter arrives and is greeted by a young Indian with one feather in his headband.

The reporter asks "What is the one feather for?"

The indian replies "One feather for one woman I sleep with."

"Oh, ok." replies the reporter, kind of thrown off guard by his response.

The next night at dinner the reporter meets the Chiefs son, who has 20 feathers in his headband, so the reporter asks "What are the 20 feathers for?"

"20 feathers for 20 women I sleep with." he says.

The reporter replies "Oh, gosh! That's a lot!"

The chiefs son says "Come, me introduce you to Chief"

So finally, the reporter is introduced to the tribes Chief and the Chief has this long flowing fancy head-dress with feathers down to the floor and dragging behind him.

The reporter must ask: "Chief, what are all the feathers for?"

The Chief says "Each feather for each woman I sleep with."

"Oh, dear!" says the reporter.

Quickly, the Chief replies, "Deer? Deer no good, ass too high, run through bush too fast!!"

Edited by Curtis and Calamjo

Cat Rescue

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.
Hey, lady, yells Larry, Throw me the cat!
No, she cries, Its too far!
I play football. I can catch him!
The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and he runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

 Business One-liners 109

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Finagle's Creed: Science is true.

Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's Laws:

1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it.

3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it.

4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory.

5) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

7) The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.

8) Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.

Finagle's Law Of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge.

Finagle's Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Finagle's Rules: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

2) Always keep a record of data.

It indicates you've been working.

3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.

4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

The Roman Emperor Who Never Aged

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19...
His name was Constant-Teen.