Jokes of the day for Monday, 21 February 2011

The actor who played the lispi...

The actor who played the lisping stammerer in The King's Speech is my Firth choice for Oscar.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac got...

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac got together and got married in Loan Town, USA. And had a baby the banks called Foreclosure, and they lived unhappily ever after in their new economy life styles.

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Jody and Sara live in the swam...

Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana.
One day Sara came up missing.

It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara."

"What is the bad news", asks Jody?

"We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead."

"Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody?

The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crab off her, we decided to leave for another 3 days and run her again."

Heaven or ???

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"

Lightbulb Joke Collection 77

Q: How many sci.math readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Pi. Two hold the ladder, one the bulb, but something irrational remains about it.
Q: How many alt.tla readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One-no! Six is!
Q: How many alt.newbie readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Me! Me too! Me too!
Q: How many alt.fan.hofstadter readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They have special lightbulbs that screw themselves.
Q: How many alt.fan.douglas-adams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 42.
Q: How many alt.alien.visitors readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. (screw screw screw) Aargh! The light! I'm being abducted!
Q: How many alt.1d readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm, yes, very funny, but what has this got to do with 1d ?
Q: How many alt.spam readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, if you buy our newest ACME Lightbulb screwer, for only $10, from XPOSTS R US, Velveeta, Ca, USA. Contact now!

Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

Demetri Martin: Exit Only

I saw a sign on this door; it said, Exit Only. So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.

The Yiddish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...!"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer purchased the bird and carried the parrot home. All night long he talked with the parrot...in Yiddish. The parrot listened while sharing some walnuts.
The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot wanted to pray, too. Meyer hand made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot also wanted to read Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching him the Torah.

On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.
Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi. At first, the rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him that the parrot could pray. Wagers were made on whether the parrot could speak Yiddish or not.
All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed...but the parrot didn’t say a word. Annoyed, Meyer said "Pray, parrot! You can pray...do it now while everybody's looking at you!" The parrot said nothing.
After services were over, Meyer realized he owed the synagogue over four thousand dollars. He marched home, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird...you cost me over four thousand dollars today. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And, after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah...Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

Why are you so happy?" a woman...

Why are you so happy?" a woman asked the 98-year-old man. "I broke a mirror," he explained. "But that means seven years of bad luck," she told him. "I know," he grinned. "Isn't it wonderful?"

Why did the blonde tip-toe ...

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet.....

so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Another wife?

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

A woman calls a nother women a...

A woman calls a nother women and asks what the dress code is. I the women on the on the other side of the phone replies very confidential!

A young woman was about to fin...

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor she felt that for years her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. The self professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school. She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good friend Mary doing?"

She replied, "Mary is barely getting by." She continued, "She barely has a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies. But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung over."

Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GP and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked really hard!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Vicky was at a business confer...

Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”

Ed and Ted are standing side b...

Ed and Ted are standing side by side at urinals when Ed glances down and sees that Ted's dick is twisted like a corkscrew.

Ed says, "I've never seen one like that before."

Ted says, "Like what?"

Ed says, "All twisted, like a pig's tail."

Ted says, "What's yours like?"

Ed says, "Straight, like normal."

Ted says, "I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours."

Ed finishes and starts shaking his prick.

Ted says, "What'd you do that for?"

Ed says, "I was shaking out the last few drops."

Ted says, "Wow... and to think that all these years I've been wringing mine out."