Jokes of the day for Sunday, 26 February 2012
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 26 February 2012 |
Hilarious jokes-Poker
He suggests they play a prop bet where they ask each other questions; if they don't know the answer to the question; they have to pay the other person. She asks him how she's supposed to compete with a smart, world-renowned surgeon, as she's just a simple cocktail waitress. Eager to make her look stupid, he offers her odds, so that she has to pay him $5 for every time he stumps her, but he'll pay her $50 each time she stumps him. She agrees.
He asks her what the capital of Paraguay is and she shrugs and flips him a red $5 chip.
Her question for him is: "What rises in the evening, sleeps in the morning, and has twice as many brothers as sisters?"
He thinks and thinks and thinks, getting more frustrated, then whips out his iPhone, calls his friends, and finally checks the Internet for an answer. He finally gives up and shoves $50 in chips over to her.
"Well," he angrily demands, "what's the answer?"
She shrugs and flips him another $5 chip.
Mother had just finished waxin...
Mother had just finished waxing the floors when she heard her young son opening the front door.She shouted, Be careful on that floor, Jimmy; its just been waxed.
Jimmy, walking right in, replied, Dont worry, Mom, Im wearing my cleats.
Women are the quickest to lear...
Women are the quickest to learn the three R’s. This is R’s, that’s R’s, everything’s R’s.This Famous German wrestling c...
This Famous German wrestling champion perfected what he called the "Pretzel Hold". This hold was famous for incapacitating anyone he would apply the hold to. A huge match against the American Wrestling Champion was scheduled to begin shortly, and as the American and his coach were preparing, the American's coach set him down to talk."Bill," he said, "whatever you do, don't let the German throw that awful pretzel hold on you, you might not survive it."
"Sure thing, Coach" the American replied.
The match began and as soon as the bell sounded, the German ran accross the ring and immediatly threw the American into the dreaded pretzel hold! The American Coach was frantic! He ran around the ring and finnaly found a towel to throw in to stop the match, when to his amazement, the American was up and wrestling again! The match went on and the American was victorious.
Afterwards, the coach had to ask "Bill, how in the hell did you get out of that pretzel hold, nobody has ever gotten out of that hold!"
Bill replies "Well coach, when I was all tangled up with that German, I saw this pair of balls hanging in front of my face, so I just bit down on them with all my might and you know, It's amazing how fast you can move when you bite your own balls!"
Church Etiquette
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
Nagasaki never had a bomb drop...
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.Pete Holmes: Employee Discount
What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it? A Puzzle for Darwin
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, 'Great Keith Richards mask!' and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...' and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Back Pew
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
Copies of Copies
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to helpthe other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed,
however, that they were copying copies, not the original
books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about
this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first
copy, that error would be continued in all of the other
copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head
monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to
check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went
downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from
the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over
one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate'," said the head monk.
A traveling salesman was held ...
A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions."His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately."
Catholic Definitions
Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Incense: Holy Smoke!
Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
Jonah: The original “Jaws” story.
Justice: When your children have kids of their own.
Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.
Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Sudden Wind Storm
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.
Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, eveybody is taking a look at what you`ve got. Don`t you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 60 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!"
