Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 February 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 February 2013 |
Avoiding the crowds...
It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," he replied.
“When I found out tha...
“When I found out that the fire department was charging $75.00 per table for their craft fair I told them they could go to blazes.”
Lost Rooster
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.
Short Management jokes
* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
* Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
* We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.
* Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.
* "I've given you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!"
Teacher: Why do we sometimes c...
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?Peter: Because they had so many knights.
Teacher: Why do we sometimes ...
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?Peter: Because they had so many knights.
Where Is This Bus Going?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
In a fight between Batman and ...
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris. A man walking down the street ...
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
Brian Regan: One Eye Set Higher
My eye doctor told me this, Im not making this up. He goes, You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye? No, I didnt know that. He goes, Its no big deal; it doesnt affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.
The Last One's Law Of Program ...
The Last One's Law Of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than the program generator.Ever Slept with an U
One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."
"An elementary school in ...
"An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the playground. They're afraid that the game could affect children's self esteem. This also could prevent the spread of 'kooties'."--Jay Leno
Two blondes, Carol and Patt...
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!
