Jokes of the day for Monday, 20 May 2013

Funny jokes-In the middle of the night

“The politician is no...

“The politician is not one for Indian food. But he's good at currying favors.”

The Watch

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it.
"I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.", replied the little friend.
Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom.
"What do you want!", asked the father gruffly.
"I want a watch!", said Johnny.

"Well sit down and shut up!", replied the father.

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

The Darndest Church

A man goes to a Unitarian Universalist service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it. "Darndest church I ever went to," he replies. "The only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the stairs!"

Things sure have changed...

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Lightbulb Joke Collection 74

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Farm.
Note: Refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques of the past.
Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
Q: How many alt.freaks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just all move into a room with a working light.

America Offline

[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago

I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.

And I knew if I had the chance

They could make my modem dance

with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver

with every busy they'd deliver.

Bad news on the front page

A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried

when I realized that Steve Case had lied.

But something touched me deep inside

The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS

Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS

If an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool

When he tells you that the service rules

And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

Well I know you sold the service short

Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock

It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play

As they slashed away at what subscribers pay

And half their users went away

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own

And dial-ins click on a rolling phone

But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court

With an OS icon and a browser port

And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down

The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.

Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond

With hosts unable to respond

6 million newbies all were conned

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards

And stole a million credit cards

To use accounts he'd gotten free

And so Steve Case went to the FBI

and he told Boardwatch a little lie

That hackers wanted child pornography

But while Steve Case was looking down

The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.

He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs

At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes

They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter

The lawyers filed a class-action shelter

Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe

an hour if they resubscribe.

To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks

Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit

The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg

Then visit aolsucks.org

Before some router pulls the cord..."

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be

sold off his home in Tennessee

And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed

when Case offered him his thirty cents.

Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page

My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell

could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night

CompuServe read their last rites.

I saw Earthlink laughing with delight

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9

And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.

But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge

To see what loyalty I could scrounge

But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream

At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.

The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most

Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost

They couldn't dial up the host

The day the service died.

Her husband had been slipping ...

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

Blonde E-Mail

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?

Envelopes in the disk drive.

How much wood would a woodchuc...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

A guy was in a cave, looking f...

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

Chuck Norris was once on Celeb...

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Mike Vecchione: Favorite Place to Taser

My favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Fair cause it makes me feel like an evil wizard from the future.

Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

The original title for Alien v...

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.