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Jokes of the day for Monday, 23 September 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 23 September 2013

“The origami artist w...

“The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.25/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (8)

Two Drops

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

Liquid Experiments -II (Scotch)


The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

#joke #drinks #scotch
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (6)

Humor-Words

Reasearch says that a man speaks 25000 words a day while a woman speaks 30000 words.
The problem is with the timing - while the husband consumes his 25000 words at work, the wife's 30000 start when the husband reaches home.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Ice cream hat

Ice cream hat - But kind looks like something else .. | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

A mechanic was removing a cyli...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (6)

A note from mom...

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

#joke #food #dinner #meal
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 2.40/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (5)

Answering Machine Message 41


US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice: Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

Tips from the holy man

A group of boys were going to confession one sunday. The

first boy, John, says:

Father, I've done something terrible.

What have you done, John?

I fucked a girl.

Who was it?

I can't tell you, father, she would never permit it.

Well, John, was it Mary M?

No, father, I can't tell you.

Was it Heather S, John?

No father I can't tell you.

Well, John, was it Meghan C?

I can't tell you father.

Alright, John, your penence is 5 Our Fathers.

Thank you father.

Upon this he leaves the confessional, and the second boy

asks him:

What did you get, John?

5 Our Fathers and 3 Good Leads!

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (7)

Musicians and Lightbulbs

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, two, one, two, three, four!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (35)

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 August 2013
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (102)

Unattached Witches

Q: What do you call a coven of unattached Wiccans?
A: Craft singles!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 September 2012
  • Currently 3.73/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (11)

Chuck Norris sold his soul to ...

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 October 2011
  • Currently 3.36/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (14)

Bowling ball humor

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

#joke #animal #chicken #food #pizza
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 6.11/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (44)

The chemical formula for the h...

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (44)

Beer Machismo

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."

The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

#joke #drinks #coke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 7.10/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (39)

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

#joke #animal #fish #drinks #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 September 2009
  • Currently 7.51/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (35)

The Lords Prayer

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.

"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen".

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 September 2012
  • Currently 5.55/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

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