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Jokes of the day for Friday, 04 April 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 04 April 2014

Hard shot

Bob stood over his tee on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his back swing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, “Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one,” said Bob.

Golfing - 04/08

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (12)

Set a good example

Rohan who was in high school asked his pretty history teacher, Sara, out on a date. She agreed and they went to a nice restaurant.

Rohan offered her beer but Sara refused saying, "I am a teacher and I am expected to set a good example for my students. What do I say to my students if they learn that I drink?"

Rohan offered her a cigarette but Sara refused again saying, "What am I supposed to say to my students when they learn that I smoke?"

On their way back, they passed by a motel, and Rohan said to her, "What about going into that motel and having a good time?"

Sara agreed immediately.

Rohan said, "so what will you tell your students when they learn about this?"

The history teacher replied, "Something that I always tell them. You don't need to drink or smoke if you wanna have a good time!"
#joke #drinks #beer
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.43/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (7)

“The linen shop gave ...

“The linen shop gave their employees free bedding. Even their accountant had his own handmade spread sheet.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.56/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (9)

Funny Photo of the day - Fried eggs reading newspapers

Fried eggs reading newspapers - And seem engaged | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.10/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (10)


Q: What does every woman...


Q: What does every woman call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?
A: A dream.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (6)

Gotta give something up...

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (5)

Ponderings Collection 24


If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a n*dist camp?
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.14/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (7)

Blow

Why was the blonde's steering wheel covered with lipstick?

She was trying to blow the horn.

Submitted by Curtis

Submitted by Calamjo

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 2.88/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (8)

Little Miss Muffet sat on her ...

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 May 2011
  • Currently 2.52/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (54)

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 April 2011
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (65)

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 April 2011
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (65)

Facelift

This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.

"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."

"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 April 2013
  • Currently 5.37/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (52)

Maria Bamford: Religious Worship

My mom is very religious, and she said, Whatever you think about all the time, thats what you worship. If thats the case, Id like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.
#joke #short #drinks #coke #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 April 2011
  • Currently 4.30/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (47)

Dreaming in color

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 April 2012
  • Currently 3.77/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (22)

Dan Naturman: At a Job Interview

Heres an example of something you never say at a job interview: Can I have my resume back? Its my only copy.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 April 2012
  • Currently 3.68/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (22)

Ten Thoughts to Ponder...

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT...

America knows exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but they haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe the USA should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
#joke #animal #cow #fish #food #sandwich #hungry
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 06 January 2011
  • Currently 6.53/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (53)

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