Jokes of the day for Friday, 20 June 2014

A man walked into a bar and he...

A man walked into a bar and heard, "Great tie!" He looked around and seeing no one, he heard again, "Beautiful suit!" Wondering what was going on, he saw the bartender walk up and said, "I heard a voice talking about my suit and tie, and that they looked cool, but no one's around. Dude, what's up?" The bartender smiled, "Oh yeah, those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

“A new computer shop ...

“A new computer shop has just opened up. It is located on Boot Drive.”

Turn signal...

On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

The Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!"

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

Match

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"

"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."

There were three Indian squaws...

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

The Magic Miror

Three girls live together. Melissa is a born leader and smart. Kayla is very pretty and popular. Jessica is dumb. One day Melissa says to Kayla and Jessica," I think we should get a miror." Kayla and Jessica Agree. They go down to the trift shop and Melissa see's a beautiful miror with a goldon trim. All of the girls love the miror. Melissa goes up to the store keeper and asks to see the miror. The store keeper replies, "I can't sell you that miror. There is a curse that says if anyone says a lie while looking in it they will disapear for ever!" Melissa didn't belive in this and went up to the mirror and said," I think i have the pretties shoes in this store!" And POOF! She disaperes. Then Kayla goes up to the miror and says, " I think I have the pretties shirt in the whole world!" And POOF! She disapears! Then Jessica goes up to the mirror and says, "I think..." POOF! She disapears!

dumb blondes

10 blondes and 1 brunette were mountain climbing one day. so they were climbing and they got into trouble at a spot one of them had to give up there life so they could continue on so the brunette said i'll do it so you girls can go on so she jumped to the jagged rocks below (ouch) the dumb blondes felt sorry for the brunette so they jumped of to

THE END

Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer

I dont just write jokes. You know what Im best at? Greeting cards. Im a really good greeting card writer. And Im going to prove it with a little sample of my work Im going to share for you: As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. Ive been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Fathers Day

Zach Galifianakis: Waking Up With an Erection

Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize youre just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?

News headlines 04

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Air Head Fired

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Deer Kill 17,000

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

War Dims Hope for Peace

The Preacher and the Frog Princess

An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”
The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.
The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”
The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”
The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Natural Blonde

Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

A: Artifical intelligence.

Hospital Trolley

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."    

Worcestershire sauce incident joke

A truck brimming with Worcestershire sauce meanders through the quaint Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, Anglesey, en route to Rhosllannerchrugog in Wrexham. Unexpectedly, it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

Veering uncontrollably, the truck subsequently smashes into a car from Llanfihangel Tre’r Beirdd, injuring two otorhinolaryngologists inside. As one, already grappling with Schistosomiasis, succumbs to a myocardial infarction, an bystander, dialing emergency services on his Huawei, hastily reports the chaotic scene. The dispatcher inquires, "Can you tell me what happened?"

He responds, "It's hard to say."