Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 21 January 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 21 January 2015 |
Barbie
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."
A gentleman entered a busy flo
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers.""Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
@DSGermain - They say behind every strong man ...
They say behind every strong man, there’s a strong woman.
Well, behind every fuckup, there’s a best friend saying, “Go for it,...
@DSGermain
http://on.cc.com/1AHspdw
Fifty years from now....
Three elderly people were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"
Turning to the third one, a lady, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'She certainly looks good for her age.'"
Girlfriend 1.0 Software
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:
1. A "Don't remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Where Did She Go?
An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home.“How are you?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!”
“You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?”
“Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.”
“Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked.
“No, I can’t say I do,” the elderly woman replied.
“Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked.
The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
Carlos told his wife he wanted
Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. “The next day she bought him an electric guitar.”The inventor of the Harley-Dav
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been sucha good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Yourreward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want tohang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one whoinvented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that'spretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have somemajor design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key wordsAnd waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper andGod read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said toArthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are ridingmy invention than yours."
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken?
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After
receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we
have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day
our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million
dollars to the Church".
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer
is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1
billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day
our daily chicken...."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is
the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We
will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's
Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give
us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to
say that he has good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5
billion."
"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!"
Politically Speaking
"My uncle ran for Senate last year."
"Really? What does he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."
There was a blonde, a redhead...
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back. God gave men a penis and a brain
God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Robin Williams (1951-2014)
Picture: REX
Church Sign Chuckles
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
More Hilarious Al Gore Quotes And Blunders
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore
JB Smoove: Sound System
I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white. 
