Jokes of the day for Thursday, 30 April 2015

Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."  

Another  Bar Joke

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."

A husband and wife went to the

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round, and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

“All births are an Em

“All births are an Emergency.”

How Many Deists?

Imam Mahdi Funny: Hey, Mahahaharaj.
Swami Mahahaharaj: Yes?
Imam Mahdi Funny: How many deists does it take to change a light bulb?
Swami Mahahaharaj: Hmm...I'm not sure. How many deists does it take to change a light bulb?
Swami Mahahaharaj: None. If the light bulb no longer interferes with the world, why bother interfering with the light bulb?

I laid some turf, and was accu

I laid some turf, and was accused of sod on me.

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A man and his wife are dining...

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Send my luggage

Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.

Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can't do that.

Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.

 Signs And Notices 12

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."
Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"
Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."
Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."
Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.

2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.

3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.

4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.

5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.

6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.

7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.

8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.

9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.

10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

A woman places an ad in the lo...

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

If you work in an office with ...

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

Bumper Stickers 17

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

Years ago someone in Californi...

Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.

Religious battle golf #joke #humor

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Human Equation

Mom + Dad - Rubber = U