Jokes of the day for Monday, 22 June 2015

Dating

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"             

A telephone rang, and someone

A telephone rang, and someone picked it up.
A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444 44?"
"Yes," came the reply.
"Could you call 911? My finger is stuck on the phone."

“During the late baro

“During the late baroque era, rococo composers began to think outside the Bachs.”

How Many Agnostics?

Swami Mahahaharaj: Hey, Imam Mahdi Funny.
Imam Mahdi Funny: Hmmm?
Swami Mahahaharaj: How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
Imam Mahdi Funny: I don't know. How many?
Swami Mahahaharaj: We can't know.

A kindergarten teacher handed...

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

A woman went to the doctor's

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

More Things You'd Never Have Known If Not For the Movies:

If you overpower a sentry or guard, his uniform will fit you perfectly.

It is possible to brush your teeth without any toothpaste foam appearing on your lips.

Handsome men don't belch or fart.

If you're a team of misfits and losers, you'll win the championship.

In a large city, the streets are always wet at night.

Most bathrooms do not have a toilet.

All orphans can sing and dance, both alone and in groups.

You'll find a parking space in front of your building in New York.

A person wearing a good latex mask can deceive even close friends of the person the mask depicts.

It usually rains during outdoor funerals.

Police officers may beat the daylights out of a suspect in the course of an arrest, but are careful to guide him gently into the squad car so he doesn't bump his head.

 Answering Machine Message 258

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on

his first assignment one day. He submitted the following

report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is

recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her

breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a

family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed

the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a

one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital

with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "

A young gay man calls home and...

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

Mickey & Donald in a Foxhole

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?

A: Because Donald ducked.

Demetri Martin: Cool Leather

I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, That is cool. Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, That is not cool. Thats when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves.

Johnnie Cochrane Closing Arguments for US v. Clinton

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are

the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of

United States v. William J. Clinton:

10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess

9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's

proof

2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral

Dollars Equal Ten Cents

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent

Blonde Houses

Q: What is even dumber than a blonde trying to build a house underwater?

A: A blonde trying to burn it down.

The Helpful Priest

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices

a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across

the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell

is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest

moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across

the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing

his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives

the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's

level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now

what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"