Jokes of the day for Monday, 12 October 2015

Speeding Ticket

Cop pulls over a car with a couple in it.

"What's the problem officer?"

"Sir, you were going 68 in a 50-zone."

"What, that's ridiculous! I did no such thing!"

"Sir, I caught you with my radar gun, and it's always accurate, but I’ll give you some leeway and reduce it to 62.

"Well, not this time, asshole. I know I was doing 54! I'll take it to court, you son of a bitch!" The cop hands the man the ticket, and he rips it up.

"Sir, I'm going to have to insist you calm down, or I'll put you under arrest."

Suddenly, the wife interjects, "Mister, I wouldn't push it. There's no use arguing with him when he's drunk."

MONDAY FACE

MY MONDAY MORNING FACE

Coach: What this team needs is

Coach: What this team needs is life!
Manager: Aw, coach, don't you think thirty days is enough?

I hate needles, they...

“I hate needles, they're the vein of my existence.”

It was only her second date wi

It was only her second date with a diehard baseball fan, and Sally was a little nervous. It was her fault they arrived at the ballpark a full hour after the game had started. Taking her seat, Sally glanced up at the scoreboard. It was a tight pitcher’s battle, bottom of the fifth, 0-0. “Look, John,” she exclaimed with relief, “we haven’t missed a thing.”

A young couple, just married...

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

Smart kid

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

 West Virginia Crazy Law

If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

It is illegal to snooze on a train.

According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.

When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.

Whistling underwater is prohibited.

Alderson

One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.

Nicholas County

No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

Huntington

Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.

It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.

#joke #doctor #animal #tiger #lion #food #onion

Jewish Personals

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.

Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's

try it for eight days. Who knows?

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with,

light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah

together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not

important.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get

get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha

B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva

Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast"

lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same

in woman.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No

personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism

of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who

will accept my independence, although you probably will not.

Oh, just forget it.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,

Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks

non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my

behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English

very good.

80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish

male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart

to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.

Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,

please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,

self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,

skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen

desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and

krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a...

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

My Super Ex-Wife

My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences.
She thought she was God.
I disagreed.

Nick Swardson: Vanna White

I think that Vanna White got the best job ever. Is that not the best job? If I were a woman, I would want that job so bad. Like, thats her job! What a country -- she just turns letters. I turn letters, but only when they glow. Im not stupid.

The Preacher and the Microphone

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as

he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the

mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting

wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it

again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third

pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets

loose, will he hurt us?"

Who Is the Real Virgin?

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible.
But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

Possible IBM Acronyms

IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible