Jokes of the day for Monday, 11 April 2016

A Rabbi is walking slowly down

A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man, using a cane, and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a young man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi.
"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi. This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.
In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."

“I didn't really lik

“I didn't really like the movie about construction. Too many potholes.”

Anyone placed in a jar against

Anyone placed in a jar against their will has been vialated.

I've never understood why wom

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Dead?

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the damn wall!"

 Caught By Alligators

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Inverness, FL
A 71-yearl-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television, helped him escape.
"I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do," said George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye.
Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators' general behavior.
He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped.

Intercourse Consent

=================== General Release Writ

This certifies that I, the undersigned female about to enjoy sexual intercourse with __________________________________ am above the lawful age of consent, that I am in my right mind and am not under the influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does he have to use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.

Furthermore I am in no fear of him whatsoever; do not expect or want to marry him, I don't know if he is married or not, and I don't care. I am not asleep or drunk and am entering into this relationship with him because I love it and want it as much as he does, and if I receive the satisfaction I expect, I am willing to participate again at an early date.

Furthermore I will not act as a witness against him, nor will I file charges against him should I become pregnant, contract a sexual disease, or feel that he is violating the Mann White Slave Act.

Signed, before jumping into bed,

this ____ day of ____________ 19__

Signed ________________________ Address________________________ ________________________ Date of Birth _______________

General Release Writ

This certifies that I, the undersigned male about to enjoy sexual intercourse with __________________________________ am above the lawful age of consent, that I am in my right mind and am not under the influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does she have to use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me.

Furthermore I am in no fear of her whatsoever; do not expect or want to marry her, I don't know if she is married or not, and I don't care. I am not asleep or drunk and am entering into this relationship with her because I love it and want it as much as she does, and if I receive the satisfaction I expect, I am willing to participate again at an early date.

Furthermore I will not act as a witness against her, nor will I file custody charges against her should she become pregnant, should I contract a sexual disease, or feel that she is misrepresenting herself. With this signature, I guarantee that the ensuing act of unprotected sexual intercourse represents my most sincere effort at irresponsibility.

Signed, before jumping into bed,

this ____ day of ____________ 19__

Signed ________________________ Address________________________ ________________________ Date of Birth _______________

What is the longest word in th

What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES - There is a mile between the first and last letters!

I Am Napoleon

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

Complete and Finished

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

A young lady came home from a ...

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Actual Answer from a Medical Student

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

"Simon, if I had eight apples ...

"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”

“Huge hands, sir.”

A man is sitting at the bar in

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shotsof whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you forover fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What'sgoing on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the manreplies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"

What do you call a t...

“What do you call a tissue that is sleeping? A napkin.”