Jokes of the day for Friday, 15 April 2016

A C-141 transport aircraft was

A C-141 transport aircraft was preparing for departure from a base in Thule, Greenland. They had been waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
The Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his lack of speed and promised to pursue punitive action.
The Airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule, Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish me?"

“Library rules regard

“Library rules regarding personal hygiene are a matter of lore and odor.”

Strong Medicine for the Nun

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

I come from a proud family of

I come from a proud family of accused murderers. Growing up, my mom used to remind us, ‘you can always depend on the kindness of stranglers.'

Smarter than he seems...

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger or what?"

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've saved $20!"

 Answering Machine Message 111

1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
2: (Background:) What are you doing?
1: I'm recording an answering machine message.
2: But we're here right now.
1: But we might not be here later.
2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message.

hell

im going to hell how bout you

Q. What is the color of the w

Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.

Dilbert's Salary Theorem stat

Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work/Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.

Wake up call

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.

Chuck Norris has an ongoing fe...

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

Undercover Clergy

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Chuck Norris was born a blonde...

Chuck Norris was born a blonde, but the blood of his victims dyed his hair and beard to a healthy orange.

We want to strike Acco...

We want to strike Accord with anyone who's ever crashed their Honda.

Staring at the orange juice

In the morning, a blonde enters a restaurant with a carton of orange juice. She puts the orange juice on the table and stares at it.
The store is about to close down and the blonde is still staring at the orange juice. A waiter comes and asks the blonde, "Excuse me, we are about to close for the evening, I'm afraid your going to have to leave."
"No," the blonde replies.
"Why not?" questions the waiter.
"The carton says 'concentrate'".