Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 01 June 2016

Employee vs Boss

Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?"
Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?"
Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this firm for over ten years."
Boss: "Yes."
Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first."
Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time."
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade."
Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"
Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!"
Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"
Employee: "Oh, the electric company, gas company, water company and the mortgage company!"

“My wife is a Mensa m

“My wife is a Mensa member and a seamstress - she's a clever sew and sew.”

Questions about mouthwash?

Questions about mouthwash? Just Gargle it.

A couple of rednecks went on v

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind.
"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.
"What are you worried about"? the second replied. "It's a rental."

Doctor...What's the matter with me?

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Did you take the patient's temperature?

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

Your mama is so ugly that when

Your mama is so ugly that when I told her to do the robot, R2-D2 got herpes.

One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

Charge By The Inch

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

When taking the SAT, write "Ch...

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Kids in Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough of his antics.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Thirsty

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.

As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."

So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

Cactus in Jamaica

I saw a cactus in Jamaica, and got it confused with pokemon.

Carrot, Tomato, and ...

There's a carrot, a tomato, and a penis. The carrot said "I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake, and eaten."

The tomato says "No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad, and eaten".

Then the penis said, "I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head, and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!".

An idiot was taking sky-diving...

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.
The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn't open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn't open.
Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I'll bet the damn truck won't be waiting for me either."