Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 22 June 2016

When they discover the center of the universe

When they discover the center of the universe...

Beer drinking 101

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

Did you hear about the teacher

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots...."
Her trial starts next month.

“Bring about is what

“Bring about is what a boxing promoter does.”

Sign in a UK shop window: r

Sign in a UK shop window: You Brexit EU bought it.

That's a bit expensive just f

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?
I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.
Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought youwere a man...
I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because hesaid it made me look like Edna Everage.
Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...
Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU
Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself
Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the'plain, severe and drab' look in this season?
Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?
Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers
I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuateyour roots
Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like anyhelp?
Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?
God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?
I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and Ifollowed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, fourskirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's reallyall you...

 Time To Do The Laundry

The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry

1. You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
   
2. You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.
   
3. Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
   
4. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
   
5. The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
   
6. The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
   
7. Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.
   
8. The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.
   
9. Your red T-shirt is now green.
   
10. The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company's casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.
    

Eyebrows

An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.

The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.

The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."

The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."

The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."

The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."

The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."

Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."

Handsome says, "You're on!"

Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."

He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.

The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"

The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci and yisman

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

Demetri Martin: Cool Leather

I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, That is cool. Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, That is not cool. Thats when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves.

Johnnie Cochrane Closing Arguments for US v. Clinton

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are

the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of

United States v. William J. Clinton:

10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess

9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's

proof

2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral

Dollars Equal Ten Cents

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent

Blonde Houses

Q: What is even dumber than a blonde trying to build a house underwater?

A: A blonde trying to burn it down.

The Helpful Priest

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices

a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across

the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell

is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest

moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across

the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing

his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives

the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's

level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now

what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

The doctor said...

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'