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Jokes of the day for Monday, 21 November 2016

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 21 November 2016

“Weight loss pills st

“Weight loss pills stolen this morning - police say suspects are still at large.”

Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Men are like...

Men are like...
Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature.
Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Weather. Nothing can be done to change either.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

The vet

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 9.11/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (36)

Funny Photo of the day - Chopping onions without tears

Chopping onions without tears - First, get yourself subway bag | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

I asked Mr. Burns to renew my

I asked Mr. Burns to renew my dog's rental agreement. He said ‘Smithers, re-lease the hounds!'
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Polishing Apples

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

#joke #fruit #apple
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At...

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC.
#joke #doctor #sport #gym #judo
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

 Miscellaneous Terms


Arbitrator \\ar'-bi-tray-ter\\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \\uh-voy'-duh-buhl\\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \\buh-lo'-nee\\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \\burn'-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \\bur'-gler-ize\\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \\kown-ter-fit-ers\\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \\e-klips'\\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \\i'-drop-ur\\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \\hee'-rhos\\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \\left' bangk'\\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \\mis'-tee\\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \\par'-uh-doks\\: Two physicians.
Parasites \\par'-uh-sites\\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \\farm'-uh-sist\\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \\po'-lur-ize\\: What penguins see with.

#joke #animal #penguin #sport #golfer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 10 April 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Two hikers were walking throug...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing.
The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.
Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 21 November 2009
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (63)

The Bermuda Triangle used to b...

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 21 November 2011
  • Currently 3.43/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (42)

Doug Mellard: Prophylactics

I remember one point, this older gentleman asked me for some prophylactics, and at that time, my sexual vocabulary wasnt that great, you know. So, Im checking my word bank for the closest thing I have to prophylactics. Closest thing I got -- pterodactyls. I was all confused. I was like, Excuse me, sir, I hate to break it to you, but those things have been extinct for 65 million years.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 November 2010
  • Currently 3.54/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (28)

Degrees....

The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'

#joke #short #food #fries
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 21 November 2011
  • Currently 7.21/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (24)

Honey, said this husband to his wife...

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
#joke #food #honey #meal
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 21 November 2014
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Big trouble

A man is sleeping in bed when his telephone suddenly rings.

“Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Si, Señor, that's the one.”

“Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.”

”My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

”Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?!”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell?” Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Señor Rod.”

“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”

“Your wife's, Señor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.”

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in serious trouble!”

#joke #animal #horse #bird #parrot #food #meat #eating #sport #golf
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 March 2013
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

A man and his dog walk into a...

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door.
Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
#joke #animal #dog #drinks #sport #baseball
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 July 2016
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

International Joke Day Jokes - for smart people

July the 1st is International Joke Day! Are you smart enogh to get these Jokes?

1. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in.
The mathematician said, "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her."
The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

2. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek.
Einstein begins to count to 10. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one-meter by one-meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches 10, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton replies, "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

3. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says, 'Make me one with everything."
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
"Where's my change?" the monk asks.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

4. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel, and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the others and says, "Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it wrong."

6. The Laws of Thermodynamics are simple.
First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

7. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of 'Being and Nothingness.'
He says to the waitress, "I would like a cup of coffee, please. No cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

8. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway.
A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

9. A logician's wife is having a baby.
The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."

10. A photon is going through airport security.
The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

#jokeDay #InternationalJokeDay

#joke #doctor #food #burger #drinks #milk #coffee
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

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