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Jokes of the day for Monday, 21 November 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 21 November 2011

Greg Behrendt: I Love to Eat

I love to eat. Thats why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I dont walk away from a meal hurting, I didnt do it right. If I dont walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like Ive been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didnt do it right.
#joke #short #thanksgiving #animal #turkey #food #dinner #meal
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

Economy jokes-Funny money

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock and collapse of the Bradford and Bingley in the UK it is clear that the uncertainty has now hit Japan and Ireland.
In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded; Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
#joke #sport #karate
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

A man at a restaurant asks the...

A man at a restaurant asks the waiter, “How do you prepare your chickens?"

The waiter replies, “Nothing special. We just tell’em they’re gonna die.”
#joke #short #animal #chicken
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Poorly Dressed: Does It Count As a Shirt If Most Of You Doesn’t Fit Into It?

Poorly Dressed: Does It Count As a Shirt If Most Of You Doesn’t Fit Into It? | Source : Fail blog - Epic Fail Pictures and Videos of Owned, Pwnd and Fail Moments
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (8)

The Bermuda Triangle used to b...

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.43/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (42)

What kind of flooring is inher...

What kind of flooring is inherently sheepish? Lamb innate.
#joke #short #animal #lamb
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

I like your approach… let’s se...

I like your approach… let’s see your departure.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

A huge muscular man walks into...

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
#joke #walksintoabar #animal #frog #drinks #beer #sport #hunting
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)


The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'

#joke #short #food #fries
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 7.21/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (24)

Lightbulb Joke Collection 10

Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince them that the lightbulb is not functioning per the spec.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... I ran a simulation and got 0.9999999997 pentium designers...
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Note: This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under circumstances during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the end, thus reducing the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few months but didn't admit to it until users found out about it and made it public. Now they downplay the severity of the bug by saying that it reduces the accuracy only very little and that it occurs only very rarely. In one statement they said that `only theoretical mathematicians' will ever notice it and that non-technical people will not suffer from it.)

Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (9)

Gynecologist Painter

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to

the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available,

but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took

him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the

unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time

there were two painters, but instead he asked for the

gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we

have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we

arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But

I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand

through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.46/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (13)

School Notes

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.37/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (43)

Getting to Heaven from the Post Office

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.
After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”
“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (37)

A businessman boarded a fli...

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 January 2010
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (70)

Two hikers were walking throug...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing.
The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.
Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 21 November 2009
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (63)

Doug Mellard: Prophylactics

I remember one point, this older gentleman asked me for some prophylactics, and at that time, my sexual vocabulary wasnt that great, you know. So, Im checking my word bank for the closest thing I have to prophylactics. Closest thing I got -- pterodactyls. I was all confused. I was like, Excuse me, sir, I hate to break it to you, but those things have been extinct for 65 million years.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 November 2010
  • Currently 3.54/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (28)

Why Eve Was Created

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 21 November 2009
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (10)

Governors mansion

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?

Almost took out the whole trailer park.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 21 November 2009
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (10)

Just a head

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms, the second no legs, and

the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash"

they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms

takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no

legs is closing fast. The head sank straight

to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs

finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming

from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he

had better dive down to rescue the head guy.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface

and places the head at the side of the pool,

where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and

shouts, "Three goddamn years I've spent learning

to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five seconds

before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming

cap on me."

#joke #sport #swimming
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 November 2010
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (9)

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