Jokes of the day for Friday, 14 July 2017

“Do you know why exec

“Do you know why executioners never take on apprentices? They always get a head of themselves.”

If you live beneath a sewer, y

If you live beneath a sewer, you are destined for grateness.

Teaching Math in 1950:

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. Thecardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dotsrepresenting the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost ofproduction contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subsetof set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of theset "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do youthink of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation afteranswering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the loggercut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercisinghis stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, becausethis encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and whendemand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cutback. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. Thecontracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 2017:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesiansubsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paidhalf). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl,and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spottedowl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress forexemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exemptsthe company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment ofthe lobbying costs?

Relatives of yours?

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

---

One node short of a network.
One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
One pane short of a window.
One pearl short of a necklace.
One prayer short of absolution.
One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
One sentence short of a paragraph.
One shade short of a rainbow.
One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
One ship short of a full fleet.
One side short of a pentagon.
One signature short of a book.
One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
One snowflake short of a ski slope.

Brian Regan: You, Too

You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too -- in case you ever fly some day.'

Paddy was making his first vis

Paddy was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed Paddy. "He don't know nothing now."

On his birthday, Chuck Norris ...

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

i know him

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Microsoft Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. T he sign said "WHERE AM I?"

in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

Biblical Babysitter

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.

I can't date you

I can't date you if you can't handle my weirdness, sarcasm, stupid jokes, and my tendency to laugh at almost everything.

A doctor lacking empathy - Friday fun, black humor joke

A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.

Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.

'"Good news: the procedure was successful.But the road to recovery will be tough. She'll need intensive rehab for years, setting you back about $3,000 a month.'

The husband starts to get worried.

'Then, she'll likely need more surgeries in the future. There might be follow-up surgeries, which insurance won't cover. That's another potential $105,000 to $200,000.

The man starts to break into a cold sweat. 'And in reality, she'll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $35,000, you should manage.'

The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate.

The surgeon offers a comforting hand and says,
'Don't worry dude,I was just kidding.

She's dead!'

Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer

I dont just write jokes. You know what Im best at? Greeting cards. Im a really good greeting card writer. And Im going to prove it with a little sample of my work Im going to share for you: As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. Ive been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Fathers Day