Jokes of the day for Friday, 26 January 2018

Love and Cherish till …..

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'

“When the trucker tri

“When the trucker tried to salvage metal from batteries, he was overcome by D-cell fumes and threw up in the zinc.”

A man standing at a bus stop w...

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him.
The man noticed this, in fact he was getting rather annoyed at the dog.
"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady.
"Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

 I Have Bad And Very Bad News

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Good news...bad news....

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

Birds of a feather flock toget

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dogrun to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at theright time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by thenyour body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy areplacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind toblame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he'sreally in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look forit. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinklesdon't hurt.
Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Sheng Wang: Toilet With No Water

I took a dump in a toilet with no water. I had to tell my friends, Yeah, I dropped the kids off at the skate park.

Brian Regan: New Baby Greeting Cards

They have a section called, New Baby. I dont think you need the word new. Theyd have to clear up confusion. Do you have an Old Baby section? Cause my friends had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and hes 12.

Leaving Dan In My Will

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'

What do blondes say

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?

A1: Thanks Guys.

A2: Are you boys all in the same band?

A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?

Drunk in court

A drunk man was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

The drunk immediately responded, "Thank you, your Honor, I'll have a Scotch and soda."

An Inscription Problem

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

Flying In The Plane

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Blonde in a Pet Store

A blonde lady in the pet shop asks about buying a gold fish.
The salesperson ask if she needed an aquarium.
Her reply, 'I don't care what sign it is.'

I got a job in the t...

“I got a job in the transmission shop. It's shift work.”