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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 27 March 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 27 March 2018

A man went to a bank and gave

A man went to a bank and gave them $60 000 worth of bonds to hold for him and he asked to take out a loan of $1.
The next year he came back to the bank to get his bonds and the accountant asked him, "If you have all that money in bonds, why did you need to borrow $1."
The man replied, "Do you know any other way I can use a safety deposit box for only 7 cents a year?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 1.50/10

Rating: 1.5/10 (8)

“Sadly my teacher, wh

“Sadly my teacher, who could use two typewriters at one time, got fired for stereotyping.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

A rather attractive woman goes

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his faceclose to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beardwhich is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face withboth hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks,running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Isthere anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continueshuskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowinghim to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap inthe ladies room."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

 Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World


10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Before the internet ...

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either

Author:DwightKSchnute
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Forgetful...

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 April 2015
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Jessi Klein: Sexy Librarian

I have brown hair and I wear these glasses, and I usually have my hair up in a bun, so the other thing guys have often said to me is, Youre like a sexy librarian. Youre like a sexy librarian type. Youre a sexy librarian. And Im like, Ive always thought of myself as more of a bookish whore. Sort of, you know, less of a nerd, more of a slut.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 March 2011
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (64)

A Confident Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.

The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."

The idiot says, "Okay."

The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.

The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000.

The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

The idiot hands over $5.
#joke #animal
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 March 2015
  • Currently 8.85/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (59)

TWO tigers are walking through...

TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again. The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologises.
After another five minutes, he does it again. The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop." The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
#joke #lawyer #animal #tiger
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 March 2010
  • Currently 6.79/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (52)

Never criticize someone unless...

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 March 2010
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (43)

The Sklar Brothers: Andrew Dice Clay

Jason Sklar: After Dice performs for an hour its no longer a comedy room. Its a disaster area.
Randy Sklar: I dont want to say it was a disaster area, but FEMA showed up three weeks late.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 March 2010
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (40)

Money From God

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 August 2016
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (14)

Out of Eden

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 9.44/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (9)

Dating

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"             

#joke #doctor #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 June 2015
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Money

Money only impresses lazy girls. When a woman works hard, a man with money is just a bonus, not a ladder to upgrade.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 June 2015
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

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